Good Morning Book Dragons and Otaku Dragons,
Today, I write this post with a bit of a heavy heart. As the name implies, I shall be going on a hiatus here on my BiblioNyan blog. The reasons for why this hiatus has sprouted up like a weed is something that I want to share with you all, with complete and total honesty. I respect and appreciate every single one of you, and it just wouldn’t feel right to not be straight with y’all.
I have been struggling with this decision for a few weeks now. Mentally, there have been quite a few things that have popped up in my life that’s made me realise that I need to take a small step back and re-evaluate some aspects. The first is my Depression. Usually it comes and goes in very small doses that lasts maybe a couple of days at most. With an arsenal of helpful coping techniques, I tend to manage very well. However, for the past month, my Depression has been an unshakeable force; an intensely unwelcome visitor that stubbornly refuses to leave. As such, it’s been making it extremely difficult for me to focus on reading with the intent to review. The same can be said for anime. I don’t mind watching it, but when I sit down to form cohesive thoughts to construct a review, it feels like such an exhaustive task.
Because I take such pride in my work, and do it with an abundance of passion and joy, I have been feeling an indescribable amount of anxiety with not being able to give my full-efforts into the work that I do recently. The quality of what I do with my blog is not something that I want to jeopardise, especially since I do it full-time in conjunction with creating YouTube content. As an individual person, I really don’t like half-arsing my way through stuff that I care about deeply. Lastly, I don’t want to associate blogging, reading, and watching anime with something akin to “exhaustive” or reminiscent to a “chore.” Those have very negative connotations. Considering these are some of the few activities that I find immense pleasure in, and activities that normally help with my Depression, anxiety, and panic disorders, it would be foolish of me to place myself in a position where I completely lose my love for them.
Secondly, there has been so much negativity in the spaces where I like to chat about books, specifically Twitter. I’m quite an avid Twitter-er and the profound hatred and unnecessary judgemental bashing of various ideals that’s come to light recently, has turned a special space into a toxic environment. When I sit down and write a review, I do so with total honesty that is wholeheartedly untainted by my relationship and opinions of the authors/creators, whether the books was provided in exchange for said review, or anything else of the sort. Seeing fantastic bloggers, who are also close friends, being ripped apart simply for having a less than popular opinion is enraging as all fuck.
Now I know and completely understand that by choosing to put ourselves out there we automatically make ourselves open to criticism and the potential for negative influx of comments and reactions. I get that. But there’s a line between criticising someone and rudely (and most times offensively) ripping them to shreds just because they don’t agree with you. This is so much more impactful when you do an #OwnVoices review and are told that your opinions as an #OwnVoices reviewer is actually harming the community that we set out to promote and protect. It’s no longer about being honest and fair, even with the advocation for lifting up marginalised voices.
Seeing a once loving and inviting community turning on one another for reasons that can easily be solved with calm, rational discourse, and watching the affects it has on some of the people that I respect the most, is unbearably disheartening. It’s made me question my position as a reviewer. It makes me question whether or not I am doing enough, and how my contributions are affecting others. While I never set out to purposefully offend or injure anyone, especially marginalised voices, I can’t simply sugar coat bad writing, or writing that is harmful, ableist, and problematic to specific groups of people, no matter how fucking popular the work is.
These struggles that I have been facing are real and raw and have placed me in a position where I simply cannot do what I love to do with an open-mind, a welcoming heart, and avid passion.
So, I’m going on a hiatus.
More oft than not, I can deduce what the underlying causes for my bouts of Depression and anxiety are. While I recognise that the bookish communities’ discord does contribute to it, it’s really a small factor. Until I can figure out the main cause of my despair, I won’t be able to provide the same level of content that I have been putting out. I need to find the root of it, and snip the shit out of it.
This is NOT PERMANENT. I love writing and reviewing too much for this hiatus to be a definite gig. But it also doesn’t mean that my blog will be on a gross radio silence. The title said the hiatus will be untraditional. What that means is that I still plan on writing an occasional post when I am mentally able to do so. Instead of posting almost every single day, you will probably get one post per week, or every other week. The idea of disappearing completely frightens me more than losing my passions entirely. Over the course of the past seven to eight months, writing has become such a confidante and companion for me during my most woeful days that to go without is just unforeseeable for me as an individual. But I didn’t want it to seem like I was being careless, or lazy, because that is not the case at all.
YouTube is a bit different for me. It allows me to exercise my creativity in a very physical means. I can get out of the house and vocalise my thoughts rather than putting them to paper. This physical interaction between a camera, talking out loud, and editing content is very therapeutic for me. So, while I won’t be writing blog posts, you can still expect me to put out videos. I think being able to focus on one medium versus multiple will also help me to find my feet and confidence again.
Anyway, I have prattled far longer than I had originally anticipated. I sincerely and kindly ask you to not give up on me while I tread through the icy grounds of a hiatus. Your ongoing support and compassion will be vital in helping me to fight my Depression so that I can return to the world of blogging again. Hopefully in the process of dealing with that, I can also tackle my emotions and inner dissonance with all of the intangible disunity within the book community as well.
Thank you so much for listening. With love, respect, and the greatest appreciation that a person can muster, I will see you all again soon.