Personal · Prattles

With Warmest Regards–

Dear Friends–

I’m not doing good. I’m doing really fucking bad. I’ve been in a terrible place emotionally and mentally. It’s been so fucking hard just to find the energy to breathe, let alone keep up with things that I love. Depression really fucking sucks and it can smack you in the face out of nowhere, usually more often than not. I’m not a pleasant person to be around, nor do I have the fortitude to keep blogging. I’m sorry.

I went on a small hiatus a few months ago because of my Depression. I wasn’t in a good place then and I figured that once things smoothed out, I’d be okay. But I’m not okay. To be perfectly fucking blunt, I’m really fucking terrified right now. My emotions and my thoughts are a hazy concoction of despair, grief, and terrible loneliness. I don’t think I have ever been this scared to be in my skin in my entire life.

While reading is still my only means of escape from everything that’s devastating me right now, I don’t have the mental fortitude to keep blogging. Originally this was only going to affect my written blog, but unfortunately this will be affecting my BookTube channel as well. No one should have to see me while I’m such an incoherent mess of tears and sadness. I have always worked very hard to spread joy, laughter, and good vibes with the content that I create, even if I’m tackling some important subject matter. If I can’t do that, if I can’t make someone else smile, then in my eyes I’m failing at my job. But I love and appreciate every single person who takes the time to stop by and pay me a visit, on either platform, to not be upfront and honest about what’s going on.

I am in tears as I write this post, seriously gross-sobbing. This is a post that I never, ever wanted to write. This is a place in my life that I never wanted to reach, but somehow I have found myself in the darkest depths of the most painful ocean, and I need to find a way back to the surface. With all of my heart, I’m going to hope that this hiatus does not turn into a permanent one because I really do love the work that I do with BiblioNyan. However, I would rather not produce any content if I cannot produce my very best work. It’s what you all deserve and it’s what I want to provide.

In the spirit of being honest, I will say that I am going through some severe grief that has only served to antagonise my Depression and Anxiety. I also came out to my parents recently and it was one of the most difficult and emotionally damaging experiences of my life (it did not go well to say the least). Losing their respect and support simply for being Queer, being told that “my kind” shouldn’t be allowed to exist because of ignorant reasons, on top of everything else, was the fucking icing on the cake. I’ve begun to question my very existence and it’s an extremely agonising feeling, to wake up and wonder if it’s even worth living anymore.

I don’t want to feel this way. I don’t want to think these shitty thoughts, and I don’t want so succumb to all of the fucked up obstacles that seem to have sprouted up these past few months. It’s easy to say the words but far more difficult to put into action. Therefore, I’m going to step away from here. I don’t know for how long. I don’t know if/when I come back, that I’ll even be the same person, offering the same content. All I know in this moment is that I don’t want to allow my Depression to kill me, and I need to hold on to that with every ounce of energy and focus that I can.

With blurry eyes and a runny nose, I want to wish every single content creator out there the very best. Do what you do with passion and conviction, but also do it respectfully. Know that you definitely make a difference to someone, even if it’s just one person, and you should never give up on your dreams no matter how fucking challenging or impossible they may seem. Nothing is impossible in the face of your belief in yourself. I won’t be unfollowing anyone, and I’ll stop by blogs/channels to read/watch your posts and say hello, if I am able. I’ll understand if you wish to unfollow me in light of these things.

Well, I don’t think there is much left to address. So with that, I’m going to say… I’m not going to say “Good-bye.” Instead, I’m going to say: Take care and I hope to see you again soon, if not on the blog, than definitely on my channel.

With warmest regards,
Neha

 

22 thoughts on “With Warmest Regards–

  1. I just discovered this blog but I have been enjoying tremendously. Please take care of yourself and if you can, let us know how you’re doing from time to time? It may sound stupid but I will honestly be very happy to hear that you are feeling better.

    All the best
    i

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It doesn’t sound stupid at all. I’ve found someone to talk to and help me process/cope through all of the negativity. I’m very hopeful and motivated not to give up, even when things get harder or more challenging. To be blunt, I miss blogging and I’m sure I will return one day. Thanks for your support and kind words. It means a lot to me. πŸ’–πŸ’–

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Im sorry you are feeling this way. I hope you can find someone to talk to. I don’t want you to hurt yourself. I know times can be very hard and things can seem really hard to handle, a lot of us go through it. Maybe there is a hotline you can call and it can help. I’ll think positive for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. A very good friend of mine has been going through a depression as well, and I have been trying yo support in the best way that I can. But it has affected me as well. I’m not going to pretend that I know what you are going through, because I can’t. But I do know it’s incredibly hard. I hope you find courage and strength to get through it. It may not feel like it, but talking about with friends and loved ones always helps. This was a very brave post to write: take heart in that as well. I hope things will change for you soon. I wish all the best, and I am definitely NOT going to unfollow you….ever πŸ˜€

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for always being so supportive and uplifting. It’s definitely not an easy thing to conquer, but I’m going to keep trying. Thanks for being a good friend. πŸ’™

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m sorry that you’re feeling this way, and I’m sorry for the negative reaction from coming out. I wish you the best and hope you return from hiatus. You’re a fabulous person who deserves the best in life. ❀ Take care.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You’re one of the best parts of my life, and without your support I doubt I’d have the motivation to keep fighting. Thank you. ❀️❀️😘😘

      Like

  5. Hope to see you soon Neha – but take as long as you need! Do what’s right for you, because you’re such an awesome and amazing person. Take care, k?

    *virtual hug* (I wish I could give you a real hug but we’re on different continents… dammit geography!!!!!) *more hugs*

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I’m so sorry I didn’t see this post earlier. I’m so sorry for everything that’s going on right now. I also have friends who have depression, and I’ve been doing my best to help, even if I can’t know what it’s like, as I don’t have it myself. But I do hope you can get through this. As other comments have said, this was a courageous post to write, I hope you know that. Some bloggers would rather just disappear suddenly rather than write something as personal as this. I hope you return to blogging someday. (Do you do virtual hugs?)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much, my friend. Things have gotten much better since I shared this post, and I’m hopeful that I shall return to blogging one day soon. I really do miss it very much. Thank you for your kind words & encouragement. It’s very uplifting and inspiring. πŸ’•πŸ’•

      Liked by 1 person

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