I’m not doing good. I’m doing really fucking bad. I’ve been in a terrible place emotionally and mentally. It’s been so fucking hard just to find the energy to breathe, let alone keep up with things that I love. Depression really fucking sucks and it can smack you in the face out of nowhere, usually more often than not. I’m not a pleasant person to be around, nor do I have the fortitude to keep blogging. I’m sorry.
I went on a small hiatus a few months ago because of my Depression. I wasn’t in a good place then and I figured that once things smoothed out, I’d be okay. But I’m not okay. To be perfectly fucking blunt, I’m really fucking terrified right now. My emotions and my thoughts are a hazy concoction of despair, grief, and terrible loneliness. I don’t think I have ever been this scared to be in my skin in my entire life.
While reading is still my only means of escape from everything that’s devastating me right now, I don’t have the mental fortitude to keep blogging. Originally this was only going to affect my written blog, but unfortunately this will be affecting my BookTube channel as well. No one should have to see me while I’m such an incoherent mess of tears and sadness. I have always worked very hard to spread joy, laughter, and good vibes with the content that I create, even if I’m tackling some important subject matter. If I can’t do that, if I can’t make someone else smile, then in my eyes I’m failing at my job. But I love and appreciate every single person who takes the time to stop by and pay me a visit, on either platform, to not be upfront and honest about what’s going on.
I am in tears as I write this post, seriously gross-sobbing. This is a post that I never, ever wanted to write. This is a place in my life that I never wanted to reach, but somehow I have found myself in the darkest depths of the most painful ocean, and I need to find a way back to the surface. With all of my heart, I’m going to hope that this hiatus does not turn into a permanent one because I really do love the work that I do with BiblioNyan. However, I would rather not produce any content if I cannot produce my very best work. It’s what you all deserve and it’s what I want to provide.
In the spirit of being honest, I will say that I am going through some severe grief that has only served to antagonise my Depression and Anxiety. I also came out to my parents recently and it was one of the most difficult and emotionally damaging experiences of my life (it did not go well to say the least). Losing their respect and support simply for being Queer, being told that “my kind” shouldn’t be allowed to exist because of ignorant reasons, on top of everything else, was the fucking icing on the cake. I’ve begun to question my very existence and it’s an extremely agonising feeling, to wake up and wonder if it’s even worth living anymore.
I don’t want to feel this way. I don’t want to think these shitty thoughts, and I don’t want so succumb to all of the fucked up obstacles that seem to have sprouted up these past few months. It’s easy to say the words but far more difficult to put into action. Therefore, I’m going to step away from here. I don’t know for how long. I don’t know if/when I come back, that I’ll even be the same person, offering the same content. All I know in this moment is that I don’t want to allow my Depression to kill me, and I need to hold on to that with every ounce of energy and focus that I can.
With blurry eyes and a runny nose, I want to wish every single content creator out there the very best. Do what you do with passion and conviction, but also do it respectfully. Know that you definitely make a difference to someone, even if it’s just one person, and you should never give up on your dreams no matter how fucking challenging or impossible they may seem. Nothing is impossible in the face of your belief in yourself. I won’t be unfollowing anyone, and I’ll stop by blogs/channels to read/watch your posts and say hello, if I am able. I’ll understand if you wish to unfollow me in light of these things.
Well, I don’t think there is much left to address. So with that, I’m going to say… I’m not going to say “Good-bye.” Instead, I’m going to say: Take care and I hope to see you again soon, if not on the blog, than definitely on my channel.
With warmest regards,