Mid-Morning Musings: A Ghost of Remembrance

Good morning, dragons~

I have been having a really difficult time battling depression lately. It has been kicking my ass to Mars and back. One of the things that happen when my Depression kicks up include the worst nightmares ever. Tonight, when I could sleep no longer, I decided to go on a small drive and grab a cup of coffee. Driving, especially at night, tends to be very relaxing for me. Then the most wonderful thing happened.

“The Real Folk Blues” off the Cowboy Bebop OST came on and, this is going to sound very strange, I swear I could feel my brother’s presence sitting there beside me in my car as I kept on driving. He loved music and he loved to race cars, and this was the song he had always played on the piano when he felt rather melancholy, and it was always a wonderfully bittersweet masterpiece.

I thought I was going crazy, but then after a moment’s contemplation, I came to understand that my brother was always my guardian angel, even before his death. He was my best friend, my partner in delinquent shenanigans, my mentor, my parent, my number one supporter in life. Why wouldn’t his spirit be there to comfort me during this very dire period that I’m going through? Why wouldn’t he come to me during a night drive with a song that holds so much sentimentality to us both?

ghost of rememberance

I pulled over, sipped my coffee, closed my eyes, and then thought about him. I imagined him physically sitting there beside me, elongated fingers dancing across an invisible bed of 88-black-and-white-keys as we both just basked in the music for its six minutes of duration. My heart started to feel lighter. A small smile touched my lips, even with tears burning behind sleep-deprived brown eyes. It was in this moment that I knew everything would pass eventually…

The thing with Depression is that once it takes over your mind and your heart, everything turns into a thick, black fog; an atmospheric bog of suffocation. For me, it’s my ability to see the positive and the good things in my life. Such as the support of my partner, who is the most wonderful person to have entered my life (aside from my brother, of course), and my kitties. A blog that may not be dripping with success, but manages rather well for what it is. Friends who may live far away, but are only a phone call or text message away and are always willing to listen no matter the time of day. Worst of all, when Depression takes over, I become incapable of seeing the good and positive within myself…

My vision and mind become so muddled that I cannot feel or recognise the strength within myself; the strength to say: FUCK YOU! I WILL fight you, I WILL survive, and I WILL NOT allow you to consume me, particularly as it fucking consumes me.

This drive, this song, this imprint left behind on my life by the most extraordinary person I have ever had the pleasure of knowing–it reminds me that FUCK YOU is the magical phrase and I know that while I don’t feel fantastic now, I will one day. One day, I will feel strong and capable, good and positive again. That’s what my brother taught me, especially when dealing with Depression, there is ALWAYS that ONE DAY where it won’t hang over you like the Grim Reaper, where you can breathe, where you can be free.

Know, that if you are fighting Depression, you too shall have your ONE DAY. Please, don’t give up, no matter how much the fog threatens to suffocate you. Look to the skies, my friend, you will find air and you will find reprieve. I promise you.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. May it inspire you the way that my brother has inspired me, and continues to do so, when you need it most. 🖤

7 thoughts on “Mid-Morning Musings: A Ghost of Remembrance

  1. You and your brother, when you two were together, it was as if the whole world disappeared. You two never saw anything beyond one another. It was pure poetry. I don’t know anyone who has ever loved and cared for their family the way that you two did. I also remember when you did the Remembrance Race for GP when he passed away. Again, pure, unfiltered poetry. He may have taught you to race, but you made it an art all your own. I’m sorry that you feel the presence of his loss so strongly. But, you know, mere dildaar, if anything ever happened to you, I’d be as lost and alone as you are now. Thank you for being my cousin and for being my best friend. You have no idea how much of an impact you make on other people’s lives, just the way that your brother did. Wishing for your peace always.

    • You trying to make me cry, ’cause if so, you win. Yeah, we did have a tendency to just ignore everyone and everything else, didn’t we? Thank you for always being there for me, Pyar. I probably wouldn’t have survived his loss if it weren’t for you and the Crew. He will always be missed terribly, but at least the memories he left behind can be a source of comfort now rather than my haunting. ♥

  2. Depression is like a wet blanket or two that you can’t escape from for so long, until one day you realize you’ve built up all this strength and fling it off! That odd metaphor aside, I know you’ve been struggling for a fair few weeks and I hope your moonlight drive put you back on the path to breaking free, and if you need help lifting that blanket just let me know 🙂

  3. Do you know something? Your posts get better and better every day (and they were already awesome to begin with). But to share such a personal story with us, and describe it in such a beautiful way, it quite honestly made me stop for a second.
    While I have never really faced depression myself (even though there have been times when I felt like I was), my father did, and it’s a very tough battle. For himself, but also at times for the people around him. It’s always difficult to stretch out a helping hand. Sometimes though…it’s enough to just be there for someone in a simple way.
    That said: this post was beautiful. I certainly believe that people who have left us are always there. And I am glad that his experience also helped you deal with what you are going through. All I can say is: stay strong. You are an amazing person and never let anyone ever tell you otherwise. Believe in yourself…which is sometimes one of the hardest things to do. But trust me…as someone who has lacked confidence in himself for many years (and at times still does) it will get better. And if you are ever in need of a talk: never hesitate. Take care, and thanks for sharing such an amazing story 😊

    • Thank you. Thank you so much!! 💜💜💜

      It’s definitely hard to be strong all the time and I battle it often, but I’d like to think I’m much stronger than I was when he passed away and also a few years ago when I reached my darkest time. Knowing I’ve gotten stronger gives me hope and motivates me to keep fighting. Thank you once again.

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