Good evening and happy Friday! I hope that this week has been treating you all rather well! I will admit that it has been a messy week for me in regard to adjusting to some new changes. Sir Betrothed has a new work schedule, which has completely thrown off my own schedule (pretty much 100% nocturnal) and it will be fun trying to find a balance when I officially begin my new job as a book seller, woot (which is decidedly not nocturnal). So because of these changes, I haven’t been able to post nearly as much on BiblioNyan this past week as I had originally planned out. But that’s okay! Life happens and we wing it.
In addition to surprising changes, I have decided to return to BookTube for Autumn and Winter. I originally announced my retirement from the BookTube community back in May, where I discussed openly the issues that I was beginning to have creatively and mentally with the pressure that stemmed from being a part of that community, as well as from creating, recording, and editing videos multiple times per week. My biggest problem was self-doubt and de-motivation from not being able to reach analytics that I wanted to reach. I’m not going to lie, those qualities still hang around in the back of my mind, just chilling… BUT…
They no longer control me and inhibit my ability to pursue my passions.
I was having a conversation about this very thing with my cousin, Pyar, who lives in Japan (he said I could use his name). He mentioned that between that first week in May and now, I have evolved quite a bit as a content creator, and that I have gotten a lot better at managing the stress of numbers (by actively not giving a shit about the numbers and instead focusing on the content and my enjoyment of creating content).
Numbers are things that will fluctuate throughout your lifetime or the lifetime of the projects that you work on, kind of like your weight or the amount of hot chocolate you can drink in one sitting. Additionally, I have made huge and intense efforts at really tackling the struggles I have faced (and continue to face, let’s be real) with my mental health. While I still have terrible fucking anxiety with frustrating bouts of agoraphobia (been managing this one one day at a time), I no longer allow them to 100% rule my life.
Trying to find a compromise with mental health is one of the most difficult challenges I have ever faced. Yet, I’m not ignorant to the fact that this will be a challenge I will have for the rest of my life. Nevertheless, the impact of that companionship is entirely on me and what I’m willing to do to be able to make the most out of my life. When Pyar and I began to get into the details of the strides I made—the good, the bad, the gruesome—over the course of the past four to five months, I finally understood that I had grown. He was right, as he usually is. I have always felt bad about taking pride in my accomplishments because I never wanted to become arrogant or self-absorbed due to them, which is probably why I never really acknowledged the positive changes I had made either out loud or as often as I should have (i.e.: when I’m feeling like I’m drowning in a rut, or that I’m a boring POS). But as this conversation went on, he turned on his parental voice (usually reserved for the kiddoes) and told me:
Having pride in your accomplishments means that you appreciate the hard work and effort that you put into towards making those accomplishments possible; towards the success that was reaped. There is never anything wrong with being proud of being able to place a check mark next to each goal you complete that you have always had the desire to conquer. Hard work deserves appreciation and the biggest, most fulfilling chunks of that appreciation better come from you. If not from you, then what was the fucking point of working towards it in the first place? It is what we do with that appreciation and how we wield it moving forward that determines if we’re going to be arrogant assholes or compassionate conquerors.”
Have I mentioned how proud I am to have this kooky human in my life? No? Oh… Well, he’s pretty fucking amazing and I’m blessed.
After saying these things, he addressed a question I had asked him about a week or so prior to this chat: what he wanted for his bleeding birthday. He said he wanted me to return to BookTube for Autumn and Winter and make videos again. He wasn’t going to ask me to return full-time because that is not a choice he can make for me and my life. Nonetheless, he felt that there was nothing wrong with testing out my new-found inner strength and fortitude, particularly as a content creator, to see if I can do this again and really do it without faltering, or at the very least be more accepting of my faltering steps as a sign of growth towards something better. When he put is bloody eloquently, I couldn’t refuse. It was a damned good idea.
He also wanted a way to see my squishy, cheeky face since I refuse to Skype him because I am lazy as fuck. This way I can see if BookTube is worth a second shot in the long-run and he can make fun of my awkward prattling and shifty lighting. Lighting is tricky business when making videos. I suck at the balancing act.
Now, his suggestion of BookTube wasn’t entirely out of the blue because somewhere in our jumbled conversation, I had mentioned that due to my ADHD hitting overdrive lately, I was feeling like I needed a new creative outlet, even a temporary one, to help mix things up from day-to-day blogging shenanigans. We bounced around podcasting, which I felt insecure about due to my Britishy accent, YouTube, and something else I don’t quite recall at the moment. Evidently, YouTube won the round.
So… I am returning to BookTube for Autumn and Winter. I have already created my first video where I chat about where I’ve been, the struggles I had, and my decision to return. I have linked it below if you want to see it. I would like to warn y’all that I look like a blueberry because of that damn lighting thing I mentioned earlier, and it is a bit prattley because I didn’t script any of it. I wanted it to be honest, raw, and candid so that is exactly what you get. If you would like to join me on my BookTube escapades, you can do so by checking out my channel here.
Now… my part-time BookTube experiment will not be interfering with my blog. My blog is a full-time gig that takes priority above all else—aside from Sir Betrothed, kitties, and cousins… oh my!—and will continue with its jam-packed ooey gooey goodness. The schedule or content will not change either. The only things I will share on BookTube for the time being are bookish things, and even then some of those things will probably already have a spot on the blog. Everything else will be blog exclusive, such as otaku and Asian cinema content, as well as all of my content on mental health. So, if you thought you were rid of me, HA! Unlucky for you, I think not, friend! Won’t be that easy! 😎😎
Anyhoo, I wanted to go ahead and make this thing official by sharing it here with you. People who have Twitter/follow me on Twitter probably already know the gist of this thing as I have been briefly talking about it over there. If you have any questions, comments, concerns about this, or if you would like me to talk more in detail about the struggles of maintaining creativity as a content creator and how to battle (some) of those difficulties, such as burn out, let me know and I’ll write up a SCS (Self-Care Sunday) post for it. 😊
Thank you all so much for your support through the years and your continued support and faith in me. You are part of the reason that I love doing what I do, and y’all inspire me to keep going and to keep evolving. ♥ For anyone who has submitted work to me for reviewing, I apologise that I have been a bit behind on that. I will be resuming review requests this weekend, and those posts will go up later this upcoming week and into the following week.