Mid-Morning Musings: A Congestive Combustion

Hey, y’all.

This morning I just wanted to briefly chat about something personal with the hopes that it may help others out there.

Yesterday in the month’s first blogsphere post, I mentioned that life has been hectic due to a lot of adjusting of schedules and time management. But I never fully comprehended the extent of what it all entailed until Sunday morning when I awoke feeling extremely ill.

I have always been a person that gets physical symptoms when faced with tons of stress. Sir Betrothed is on a night schedule now, where I will be starting a day schedule at my new job. We only have one day per week, two if we’re lucky, where we’ll get to see each other, and we live in the same home! Couple that with heightened fear of failure and fear of letting down some important people in my life, my stress had skyrocketed so far up into Earth’s orbit that I didn’t realise how messed up my mental and emotional health had become. There are other micro factors as well, but those were small pressure points beneath a roiling boil of other bullshit. It all came to an extremely frightening climax yesterday morning.

I was reading in bed when I was suddenly faced with the absolute worst anxiety attack I had ever experienced. There were severe heart palpitations, shortness of breath, and light-headedness. My left arm began to tingle a bit as well. Initially, I thought I was having another heart attack. But when my arm stopped tingling, I immediately recognised the symptoms as a weird mutation of anxiety and panic attacks together. When I understood what was happening to my body, it put me into an even more delicate and paranoid condition. In the aftermath, I spent the whole day working on recovery. It made me sick to my stomach, literally. I couldn’t eat anything due to extreme nausea, dizziness, and tummy cramps. My symptoms were also quite akin to congestive heart failure, so I was put on bedrest and monitored until my symptoms began to subside and I was no longer in “danger mode.”

Stress did this to me. But more than that, my unwillingness to see the severity of the impact that the stress was having on me, my dumbass denial of how bad and apprehensive I was truly feeling inside, and my own fear at facing my emotional/mental turmoil did this to me. As far as personal health scares go, this was second only to my war with The Pneumonias from March. It was a huge fucking reality check.

The takeaway from this is that no matter how challenging and brutal life gets, don’t run away. Don’t deny what’s happening. Don’t ignore it. None of that will help you and it will only reward you with more shitty feelings and possibly an even worse situation. If you have serious health conditions that can be exasperated by stress, potentially placing you in a life-or-death situation, like me, then this applies tenfold. Life can be a fucked-up asshole sometimes—hell, most of the time—but it’s never, ever worth your life.

Please don’t do what I did. Don’t be like me. I was an idiot and a coward. If you can’t face whatever’s going on alone, reach out. To anyone. To whatever resources are available. If you’re not sure, contact me. I’ll try my hardest to help you in the best ways I am able to. Please. 🖤

Luckily, I have an amazing human being as my partner who saved me yesterday. They stuck by me, helped monitor my condition, and worked hard to help me feel healthier again. Another day or two of bedrest and I’ll be back up on my tiny feet in no time. My heart will be weaker and will require monitoring until my stress factors are lowered, but at least I’m alive and I’ve got a chance to fix it. However, all of this bed-time gave me some space to reflect on this situation and I really wanted to share this with you, more so if it can help someone.

I know facing life’s challenges can be godawful and terrifying, but the alternatives are almost always worse. Be smarter than I was. Be stronger. I believe in you, and I know you can believe in yourself.


15 thoughts on “Mid-Morning Musings: A Congestive Combustion

  1. I’m sorry things have been so rough for you. But you are definitely not an coward nor an idiot. It takes time to face certain things…and we might not always recognise signs in the first place. It’s always very easy to offer help, but asking for help is much, much more difficult. I hope that things will soon improve for you again. I’m glad that there is someone for you that cares for you. In fact that is one of the best things in life to have. If you ever want to talk though…know that you may always contact me. Never a problem 😊

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you, Michel. It definitely takes a lot of courage to ask for help. I’ve gotten better at it, but i’m still not great at it, by far. This may sound too simple, but I really am appreciative of your support and kindness. ♥

      Liked by 1 person

      • I doesn’t sound simple at all, and I understand it far better than you might even know 😊 We all get better at it, but it will never become easy…and for me is certainly hasn’t become easy either 😊 And I should be thanking you, for being so amazing, and writing such wonderful and truly helpful posts ! 😊

        Liked by 1 person

        • I’m glad the posts have been helping people. I remember when I first began them, I was so nervous that no one would relate or even want to read these, and that everyone would assume I was some kind of crazy person. But the support has been amazing. I’m glad that these have helped you as well. It’s really the best type of honour to feel. ♥

          Liked by 1 person

  2. It’s difficult to be the judge of your own mental health sometimes. We’re programmed to keep going, which is why it’s easy to miss the impact of stress until the water passes over our heads. I’m glad you’re recovering and hope you never experience such a horrible episode again.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m so happy that you’re okay. This is a no brainer, but keep taking care of yourself. I’m always here if you need to vent about life and stress. Sharing the burden will help keep it off your heart and health. ♥ I love you, cousin.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I’m very glad I was home when this happened, and also thank you for sharing the experience with others as I always say, it really is amazing how something you say can really help someone you never realized it helped 🙂 For now stay health and listen to your body/mind/spirit 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • It was one bleeding wake-up call I feel like I didn’t need (but probably did), and it made me realise that most people don’t recognise when they are reaching their depletion zone. If you don’t (like me), then you can end up paying for it in really shitty ways, which no one should have to experience if they can avoid it.


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