This morning I just wanted to briefly chat about something personal with the hopes that it may help others out there.
Yesterday in the month’s first blogsphere post, I mentioned that life has been hectic due to a lot of adjusting of schedules and time management. But I never fully comprehended the extent of what it all entailed until Sunday morning when I awoke feeling extremely ill.
I have always been a person that gets physical symptoms when faced with tons of stress. Sir Betrothed is on a night schedule now, where I will be starting a day schedule at my new job. We only have one day per week, two if we’re lucky, where we’ll get to see each other, and we live in the same home! Couple that with heightened fear of failure and fear of letting down some important people in my life, my stress had skyrocketed so far up into Earth’s orbit that I didn’t realise how messed up my mental and emotional health had become. There are other micro factors as well, but those were small pressure points beneath a roiling boil of other bullshit. It all came to an extremely frightening climax yesterday morning.
I was reading in bed when I was suddenly faced with the absolute worst anxiety attack I had ever experienced. There were severe heart palpitations, shortness of breath, and light-headedness. My left arm began to tingle a bit as well. Initially, I thought I was having another heart attack. But when my arm stopped tingling, I immediately recognised the symptoms as a weird mutation of anxiety and panic attacks together. When I understood what was happening to my body, it put me into an even more delicate and paranoid condition. In the aftermath, I spent the whole day working on recovery. It made me sick to my stomach, literally. I couldn’t eat anything due to extreme nausea, dizziness, and tummy cramps. My symptoms were also quite akin to congestive heart failure, so I was put on bedrest and monitored until my symptoms began to subside and I was no longer in “danger mode.”
Stress did this to me. But more than that, my unwillingness to see the severity of the impact that the stress was having on me, my dumbass denial of how bad and apprehensive I was truly feeling inside, and my own fear at facing my emotional/mental turmoil did this to me. As far as personal health scares go, this was second only to my war with The Pneumonias from March. It was a huge fucking reality check.
The takeaway from this is that no matter how challenging and brutal life gets, don’t run away. Don’t deny what’s happening. Don’t ignore it. None of that will help you and it will only reward you with more shitty feelings and possibly an even worse situation. If you have serious health conditions that can be exasperated by stress, potentially placing you in a life-or-death situation, like me, then this applies tenfold. Life can be a fucked-up asshole sometimes—hell, most of the time—but it’s never, ever worth your life.
Please don’t do what I did. Don’t be like me. I was an idiot and a coward. If you can’t face whatever’s going on alone, reach out. To anyone. To whatever resources are available. If you’re not sure, contact me. I’ll try my hardest to help you in the best ways I am able to. Please. 🖤
Luckily, I have an amazing human being as my partner who saved me yesterday. They stuck by me, helped monitor my condition, and worked hard to help me feel healthier again. Another day or two of bedrest and I’ll be back up on my tiny feet in no time. My heart will be weaker and will require monitoring until my stress factors are lowered, but at least I’m alive and I’ve got a chance to fix it. However, all of this bed-time gave me some space to reflect on this situation and I really wanted to share this with you, more so if it can help someone.
I know facing life’s challenges can be godawful and terrifying, but the alternatives are almost always worse. Be smarter than I was. Be stronger. I believe in you, and I know you can believe in yourself.