Today, I wanted to chat with you about a decision that I have been struggling with for a few weeks. If I had to be frank, I would say that the difficulties with making this choice have actually been eating away at my mind and heart since around August, when my cat became dreadfully ill, and the decision is to go on an indefinite hiatus.
After reading through Raistlin’s post about how he needs to step away for a while to take care of obligations outside of blogging within his personal life, no matter what sort of obligations those are, I became quite contemplative. I sat down and have been focusing on introspective examination of what blogging means to me as an individual and whether I still get pleasure from it. The truth is that while I do receive a certain amount of pleasure and joy from the physical act of blogging by creating content of various sorts, it just isn’t fulfilling me in the ways that I had hoped it would when I initially began my blog at the end of 2016, at least not anymore.
Through the past couple of years, I have learned that stats don’t truly matter in the big picture. What matters is engagement. People who comment on posts and overall have a conversation with you about something you’ve written or that they’ve written. The numbers don’t mean nearly to me as much as that act of engaging. I have always wanted someone with similar interests to talk to and that is why I began to blog years ago. That and it was also a way for me to battle depression and suicidal thoughts. However, I’m still not getting those conversations that I have been wanting. This isn’t the sole reason behind my hiatus, but it is one that plays an important part.
My discussion posts means so much to me. As a severely anxious person, it was immensely challenging for me to pour my heart and energy into writing those, specifically where anime is concerned. I hit that “Publish” button and wait eagerly for a discussion—as its aptly called—to ensue. Yet, it never comes. The only ones who consistently and regularly chat with me are Sir Besty and Pyar (my cousin), as well as Raistlin. While their support means everything to me, I don’t need a blog to have those exchanges with them. It can be so disappointing to create something that is such a big part of your heart and passions only to have it lay there in the dust.
I hate the feelings that come with it. I don’t want to feel inadequate as writer. Those insecurities and inadequacies are powerfully negative tools that can take me down a depressive hole that I spent so much of my life clawing out of. There is no reason for me to dive back into it when I absolutely don’t need to do so.
Another thing that I’ve noticed is how some content creators like to rip-off or steal ideas and even content from other people, and it’s far worse when those people are individuals with large followings. These posts that are crafted with heart, soul, and great thought being used by others who will probably get that engagement that I didn’t get, is utterly heart-breaking and extremely de-valuing, not just as a creator, but also as a writer and as a person. It is the most disrespectful thing that can be done to a content creator, not to mention excruciatingly frustrating.
After having one of the worst years in a very long time, I’ve recently begun to find comfort in myself again, with my emotional and mental health, and with who I am as a person. I’m pursing long-term passions and aspirations outside of blogging that I never thought I’d be able to do. I don’t want my efforts, my motivation, and even this strong sense of positivity in my life to get strangled due to unfulfillment via another unrelated passion. I briefly chatted about my conflicts over on my Instagram a few days ago, and that mentality that I had in the wake of it is one of strength and perseverance, and it’s more important to me and my future than anything else. It’s something that needs to keep moving forward with me rather than being snuffed out due to an unnecessary sense of obligation. So, I’m taking a hiatus.
I’m not going to apologise for doing what is important to me and my life and my well-being. I’m also not going to view myself as a weak person or an overtly-sensitive person due to the reasons behind my hiatus. We all blog for different reasons. Some of us want fame, others want friends, and others want entirely different things. If you aren’t getting a sense of accomplishment out of something important to you, it is more than okay to step away from that thing. This is a mind-set that seems to be quite taboo and I never understood why because it is such a healthy and vital one. There is no shame in it. I can look back on this in a few years or many years later and say, “I wanted to do blogging, so I did it. I loved it, and then I moved on to other, better things.”
The only thing I will apologise for is for the unfinished serials that I was very excited to partake in, such as the Japanese Journals and the Self-Care Sunday posts. I suppose in a way this can be construed as a self-care post because this hiatus is 100% an act of self-care. Those two serials were things that I adored and was looking forward to expanding. I will also offer a very sincere apology to anyone with whom I was working on a collaboration project, as I will no longer be able to partake in those either. I am truly, very, very sorry for that.
With all of that said, I will finish by saying that I won’t completely disappear. I could always decide to return to blogging, whether in two months or two years. Life is an impulsive and unpredictable mistress that way. My presence online also won’t be erased altogether. Book reviews will be posted on GoodReads and all of my anime-related thoughts, whenever I decide to share them, will be on MAL for friends. I also have my Instagram where I will share my honest experiences with learning Japanese, as well as any and all self-care things that come up. Additionally, I have a YouTube channel where I occasionally talk about bookish topics. So, if you’re interested in keeping in touch, you can find me on those places (links below). If you want to stay in touch in a more personal manner, feel free to drop me an inquiry and I will e-mail you back.
Thank you for a wonderful two years. I have grown so much as a writer, an aficionado of various interests, and as an individual who wants to make the most of their life. The community has been quite supportive and compassionate with me, especially with all of my ups and downs and in-betweens, and it is something that I will always be grateful for regardless of the other things that I mentioned. I bow to you in gratitude and offer my humblest well-wishes to you and all of your future pursuits. Thank you so, so much.
Neko Nyan (Neha)
Thank you so much for always supporting me, whether you were an active followers or a silent one. I will never be able to convey the amount of joy you have given to me, and who much you have helped me in life, particularly with my anxiety, depression, and loneliness. 🌸🌸🌸