It feels really weird to be writing this post right now. Recently, I had a conversation with a fellow blogger where I stated that I didn’t believe I would be returning to blogging, at least not any time in the near future. That chat occurred literally days ago, yet here I am.
Today, I just wanted to talk a bit about what’s been going on with me. I’ll be going in to more details on Sunday when I share a very special Self-Care Sunday post, however, as I was sitting in my computer chair battling exhaustion and insomnia, I decided to write this post up on a whim. Maybe I felt like I needed someone to talk to, or maybe I’m just trying to fight the swirl of dark things I am currently dealing with. Honestly, it is more than likely some mutated combination of both of those things. Whatever the hell it is, here I am.
**Please note, I will be talking about depression and there will be a small reference to suicide.**
Disappearing silently and quietly into the night wasn’t ever something I wanted to do, especially with all of the people who have chosen to support me on BiblioNyan over the past few years. But recently I’ve fallen into a pit of intense apathy and I could not bring myself to give a single fuck about anyone or anything, cats notwithstanding. It takes great effort to say these words out loud, so to speak, and more so on my blog to the very people I am afraid of letting down. Yet, I didn’t want to lie. The one thing I pride myself on is my honesty, no matter what it pertains to. So, to lie here would be an immense disrespect to everyone, more so than what’s been done. Nonetheless, I’m sorry.
I didn’t realise how bad my apathy had gotten. Hell, I didn’t even realise that I was feeling apathetic until it slammed into my fucking face within the past week or two, bringing my depression to the darkest point it’s ever been at. I’m in awe of what my mind and heart and body are going through, but I’m even more shaken up by how much apathy takes away from a person. To give you an idea, I’ll talk about the things I’ve given up on recently, without even understanding the full impact of these losses at the time:
- I dropped out of school. This was probably the biggest and most exciting chapter of my life that I literally started up again after a four-year break. At the time, I told myself it was due to my anxiety and that I felt I wasn’t going to school for myself. Regardless of whether or not those things are true, the very rash and impulsive decision to drop my classes came overnight in the span a single evening’s insomnia. I’m still reeling over this one.
- I quit blogging and told myself I was done, no matter what. This was also a big shock to me because prior to making this decision I had sat down and planned out an entire month’s worth of content. Yet, somehow, I had convinced myself that I didn’t want to do it anymore and that I didn’t owe anyone a goddamned thing. While that can be true on some level, it was very un-like me and further exasperated my apathetic transformation.
- I stopped eating. The only meals I would eat were the dinners that I had with Sir Betrothed. They would make food and make me eat with them. We eat as a family in our house; always together no matter what time it is. For me to not eat, wasn’t only a dangerous decision for my health and illnesses, but it was a disrespect to my relationship and family dynamics that I share with Sir Betrothed. But I didn’t care.
- I stopped feeling emotions of all sorts. People would tell me they were worried about me, or that they love me, and I would stare blankly at them. I couldn’t feel an ounce of anything. I didn’t feel love, hate, anger, sadness—nothing. I just felt this large emptiness within my chest. The only affection I felt were for my animals, whom are essentially like my children. That is all. This did transcend to my feelings for Sir Betrothed as well.
About a week ago, Sir Betrothed and I went to the library. The sky was a swirl of dark blue and grey and rain was pattering the earth around us, and all of sudden I blurted out, “I feel nothing.” Right there in the parking lot of our local library, I started crying because for the first time I felt an emotion again and it was fear. Fear at not feeling a fucking thing. They held me as I cried, and we talked somewhat on the dangers of apathy and how to take measures to get my life back.
Nothing worked. Nothing fucking worked at all for the last five or six days. Then last night, Sir Betrothed tricked me in a conversation, making me realise that it’s not that I don’t have any more fucks to give. All of my energy towards giving them is buried under piles and miles of fucking anguish and insecurities and more fucking fear.
They had compared me to an acquaintance we both have who is a terrible friend and one of the most frustrating individuals we have ever met. This person will openly acknowledge that they are shitty, but then use the excuse of being oblivious to the world as it being okay for them being harmful. They are quite unapologetically apathetic and lean more towards the dangerous parts of it. The comparison Sir Betrothed made between me and this person had me livid.
I felt angry.
I went off about how I wasn’t like this person because even though I feel the way that I do, I still get up every morning and make my bed, and I do this thing or that thing and all of these other things. Instead of getting upset, they smiled at me with tears in their eyes.
I was so fucking confused.
“You do all of these things because some part of you still cares. You still care. That hasn’t stopped. You still feel emotions and you have a will inside of you that keeps you moving forward, even though the darker parts of you wants you to give up. That small drive that makes you give a shit, grab on to that and use that to fight. Fight your apathy, fight your depression, and fight to fucking live, no matter what you do with that life. As long as you care and have passion, you will be okay.”
I broke down and cried again. They were right. They fucking tricked me into realising so many things; the most important of them being that I still gave many, many fucks.
After they went to bed, for the first time in weeks, I created a schedule for BookTube and for my blog. For the first time, I watched some random ass television serial and became emotionally invested in it to the point that I was yelling and insulting the idiots on the screen (it was a reality cooking competition thing). For the first fucking time in weeks, I smiled and allowed it to sink deep into my flesh and bones.
So… yeah. Apathy. The worst fucking kind of apathy had me in a head-lock and I almost gave up on life. I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t starting to feel a bit suicidal by the time Sir Betrothed took the reins, however, that was a line of thinking I worked very hard to avoid even with the disastrous state of my mental health. I think that very, very, very deep down inside of me I knew that if I walked that path, I wouldn’t be returning from it. Subconsciously, my body and my mind wanted help, but they had no idea how to ask for it.
That is basically what’s been going on with me and why I gave up on everything good in my life. Well… almost everything. On Sunday, I’m going to be chatting about this experience, what it taught me, and some ways that people can try to help themselves if they find themselves in the same godawful boat.
As far as school goes, I know that I have a lot of serious thinking to do about school and what it means to me as a person. While, in the aftermath of all of this shit, I do feel guilty about my decision to quit on impulse, I don’t feel I did it entirely without some level of justification.
For blogging and YouTubing, I do plan on returning. There will be one big change as I return to BiblioNyan. This blog will no longer be about books and otaku culture only. That doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking about these topics. Blogging is a big form of self-care for me. I discussed this in a previous SCS post, and I feel that I want to embrace it more with a personal touch. BiblioNyan will be more of a personal space now. I’ll still review books, anime/manga, Asian cinema, and all of that, but I’ll also be sharing personal things that are more random. Having an outlet such as this, for the good and the not-so-good, will help me keep a clear mind and prevent me from getting numb and indifferent again. Apathy is something that I never, ever want to experience again. I’ve been through a lot of shit in my life and this was by far one of the worst things around.
Anyway, that’s the life update. I’m sorry once again for not giving fucks about you guys or anyone else. That’s not who I am as a person and I take responsibility for the disrespect behind my absence. I hope you’ll continue to support me and follow me here on BiblioNyan and help make life more bearable as I take it one day at a time, and know that I may falter as I am human, but I won’t let myself stay down for long.
Neko aka Nyan aka Prattler of the Pacific