Mid-Morning Musings: Finding Comfort in Courageous First Steps, Good Food, & YouTube

Bula chums!

I think these Mid-Morning posts are going to be my version of sharing random personal things with y’all. One of my favourite bloggers tends to do this and I enjoy reading them very much. After chatting with her about it briefly, I decided to give it a shot over here on BiblioNyan. I figured it’d be a good way to humanise the strange cat-alien who puts out content on this oddly purplish site (it’s odd because purple isn’t a colour I typically gravitate towards, but love it for the blog, LOL).

stranger things hopper gif

I’ve been struggling a lot with depression and loneliness—mostly the loneliness—so much lately that is has had me feeling immensely blue. I chatted about it a tiny bit over on Twitter and IG, particularly about how I suck at reaching out to people when I’m feeling this way and how it’s something I’d really like to improve. Wanting to make friends was a big part of why I started blogging, yet I’m always too shy to just start up a random conversation and get that friendship thing going. (If you’ve got tips on how to make that work, please share them! I’d be so grateful.) Hopefully I can stop being such a dolt and just DO IT!

One of the reasons that I work so much is because it helps me forget how lonely I am. Not a very healthy or long-term solution to the problem, but for now, it suits me okay. Yet, my apathy has been sneaking back into my life slowly because of these broody emotions, and it’s been affecting my ability to do the thing I love most: work! Then a couple days ago the most amazing thing happened.

eleven stranger things punk rock

My best friend is currently transitioning into her actual gender as opposed to her assigned one. She took the first step towards doing that two days ago by meeting with some medical professionals and doing whatever she needs to in order to initiate that process. She was nervous, so I went with her as a sort of moral support and also to ask any questions that she may have been too nervous to ask or that may not have crossed her mind. Everything went really well, and we walked out that of that appointment in good spirits! I’m so excited for her to embark on this journey of transitioning into her identity because it’s extremely self-empowering and courageous. It makes me be far less afraid of my own transition process when the time arrives. (I’ll be transitioning from female to non-binary; if you’d like a post discussing my gender identity and my path towards discovering my Queer identity, please let me know in the comments. The only reason I haven’t written one yet is because I wasn’t sure if y’all would be into that.). We ended up taking the rest of the day to bask in the moment of joy and appreciate that she’s doing this kick-arse thing! We got lunch at our favourite ramen house. I got spicy curry ramen with extra spinach and shiitake mushrooms and they got an Ahi tuna poke donburi.

Then we came home and played through some of Rise of the Tome Raider in preparation for the third game, which I received as a gift a few days ago. The game is lots of fun, but the bears are fucking vicious. I’m also terrible at most of the platforming bits in this game versus its predecessor. So, she gets to play most of those. I’ll stick to shooting the baddies in the face, I’m good at that, LOL.

rise of the tomb raider bear bro

When I woke up today and thought about that amazing Monday we shared, it helped me shove the apathy back. I allowed myself to feel the hollowness that comes with loneliness and I cried for a while. Then I centred my thoughts on the good things that have happened since the weekend and this allowed me to feel comforted and at peace, which was phenomenal. Today, I’m going to spend the rest of the day working on a brand-new YouTube video where I shall be doing a tour of my entire anime collection (holy Hell, this took some finagling).

Since I do love working, I decided to return to YouTube again. I took a small break from it because creatively I wasn’t feeling it and I needed to step away. Realising that something isn’t working and choosing to take a few steps back is so healthy and sometimes very necessary. I used to be afraid of this because I felt I was being a bad content creator otherwise. However, ignoring my frustrations and creative blocks and trying to keep at it is what can kill passion for stuff. To avoid that, I put away the camera. But the moments of joy I’ve been leaning on over the course of the past week or so, especially in the last few days, has been inspiring and thus, I shall be returning. Not sure how long it will last. But that’s okay. I’m going to enjoy the hell out of it while that inspiration and desire to create is around.

Anyway, that’s basically my life in a nutshell at the moment. I wasn’t expecting this post to get so long! I’m sorry. I sort of started talking and it all spilled out into the Word document. Maybe the best way to end this is to say that it’s okay to feel really shitty. Life can be a bitch and there won’t always be a happy solution to crawling out of it. It just takes time and patience (a virtue I severely lack), and a tiny bit of hope. Loneliness is still the biggest villain in my life, however, taking it one day, and even just one moment, at a time has made things more bearable. So… cheers to trying in cat-paw sized steps!

sebby neko baka

Thank you so much for visiting me today. I appreciate the support! Until next time, keep reading and keep otakuing. 

Hello, friends! If you like my content, please consider supporting me with a one-time Ko-Fi ($3) donation, so that I can pay for my medications, and for the maintenance and upkeep of BiblioNyan! I would greatly appreciate any ounce of support you could provide. Thank you. 

14 thoughts on “Mid-Morning Musings: Finding Comfort in Courageous First Steps, Good Food, & YouTube

  1. Please do share your journey with us. It’s so important for people who may be transitioning themselves or are thinking about it or wondering if that is the right path for them, as well as for those who are their supporters and friends. I have friends who are or who have transitioned, and have thought about it myself, and even so I worry about saying or doing something stupid, unthoughtful, or worst of all, that might cause them pain. I loved this post and hearing about your life. Last but not least, don’t restrict yourself in your work because you think there are some sort of rules about what you do. Yes, most of the business advice online is focus and find your niche, but those of us who are polymaths (and I believe you are one) are better if we follow our muse wherever it takes us, whenever it takes us there. Often by forcing ourselves to try and focus artificially to please some impertinent authority we lose our muse altogether. (Take that from someone who only glimpses the muse occasionally out of the corner of her eye now) Please don’t do that. I’d miss you 😀

    • It’s definitely something I’ve always wanted to talk about openly. I think it may help others, but also help me sort out my past and my path with it a bit so I can understand and accept it more easily now during the present and moving forward.

      I’m definitely a polymath and only recently I’ve been learning how to use that to my advantage. Limiting myself has been an issue since I was a kid, but as an adult, especially after coming out, I’m far more open to exploring many different things and trying different things without walling myself in. It’s so fantastic.

      Thanks for your support and wisdom. They are some of the best things ever and I look forward to them every time. ♥♥

      • Aww, thank you. Our society, especially in my age group, really looks down on polymaths. We are accused of not having focus or just playing about when are you going to settle down, etc. Their loss 😛 I have found that it does help to sort past issues by writing about them, publicly or privately. The advantage of sharing publically is that you get the input and insights of others who can sometimes see the forest when you are still wandering around crashing into the trees. It does have an inherent risk of people who are not kind, but living in the world has that risk. I, for one, always look forward to reading your posts. Blessedbe.

  2. i always liked how your blog looks and it’s the same now! i think the vibrancy of your background really makes it pop even more now, and it’s so cute! and i get it, i don’t like pink as a color but i have to admit that sometimes i gravitate towards it for my blog or as a highlight for clothes/shoes xD

    as for the posts, i think a lot of people will appreciate them. not just these little updates but just anything to do with identity. ofc if you feel like sharing 🙂 and it’s great that your friend and you are learning more about transitioning. i know it’s something important and as i’ve come to learn, being comfortable in your own skin can really help your overall health! and also, awesome on all the work you’re doing but be sure to take some breaks when you need it, don’t let it get out of hand. i think a lot of people have the same habit and i think it can be good if we know how to manage it

    and bears!! they always kill me. them and giant cats. and dragons. and really any type of creature! i’m a weak fighter LOL

  3. Good luck with the youtubeness! Also yay for yummy food, and my transition lol. I’m glad we can share moments like this and have it help you with what you are dealing with 🙂 Lastly for God’s sake write the freaking journey post already we all want to read it stop thinking no one wants to hear it before I Gibb you!

  4. I’m happy to hear that I’m one of your favourite bloggers! The food looks delicious. Glad to hear that you’re returning to YouTube again! XD

  5. I’m glad you and your friend can support each other through your transitions (whenever yours may be). I know you love work, but I hope you reach out to her and other friends IRL and online and don’t overwork yourself. And have fun as you start making YouTube videos again!.

    • Thanks so much, Krystallina!! I’m really excited about the trans surgery, whenever I’m able to get it done (it’s so expensive 😭😭). Having support systems definitely makes it more real and easier to do. 🙂

      I’m terrible at relaxing but I’m trying to learn. One day maybe I’ll figure it out lol.

      I’m excited to return to YouTube! I’m such an awkward potato when I do it, but it’s fun.

  6. I am an eccentric loner, some people avoid me, some accept me as I am. I write from my First Nation Spirit embracing the world as it is presented to me. The rustling of the leaves on a calm day remind me my ancestors’ spirits are all around me. That’s who I am, I accept it. Please write about who you are, those unaccepting people are to be ignored, they don’t belong in our lives. I embrace all people no matter their orientation in life, soon the path will open for you; it will be clear when it does.

    • That’s wonderful that you’re so accepting of people. I wish more people in the world were like that. 💜

  7. First this is for you as a friend you are about your well being *sending virtual hug* know that my DM are always open if there is anything.

    Second, congrats for your friend! Hope everything goes well for her in the process.

    And lastly… about that post you are not sure about writing.
    I don’t know for the other. But I like to know more thing about my friend/follow blogger. It help me to understand them better and understand the world in which we live now better. Of course if you don’t feel like writing it now (or never) is fine too. Do it when you will really feel ready for it. 🤗

    • Thank you, Mel. I’ll definitely take you up on that. *hugs*

      I’m super proud of her. I know things will be tough when she gets ready to tell family and other friends, but I hope I can help her through it all.

      Thank you. I’ve started outlining it and I’m actually pretty excited to share it when it’s ready. 💜

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