I think these Mid-Morning posts are going to be my version of sharing random personal things with y’all. One of my favourite bloggers tends to do this and I enjoy reading them very much. After chatting with her about it briefly, I decided to give it a shot over here on BiblioNyan. I figured it’d be a good way to humanise the strange cat-alien who puts out content on this oddly purplish site (it’s odd because purple isn’t a colour I typically gravitate towards, but love it for the blog, LOL).
I’ve been struggling a lot with depression and loneliness—mostly the loneliness—so much lately that is has had me feeling immensely blue. I chatted about it a tiny bit over on Twitter and IG, particularly about how I suck at reaching out to people when I’m feeling this way and how it’s something I’d really like to improve. Wanting to make friends was a big part of why I started blogging, yet I’m always too shy to just start up a random conversation and get that friendship thing going. (If you’ve got tips on how to make that work, please share them! I’d be so grateful.) Hopefully I can stop being such a dolt and just DO IT!
One of the reasons that I work so much is because it helps me forget how lonely I am. Not a very healthy or long-term solution to the problem, but for now, it suits me okay. Yet, my apathy has been sneaking back into my life slowly because of these broody emotions, and it’s been affecting my ability to do the thing I love most: work! Then a couple days ago the most amazing thing happened.
My best friend is currently transitioning into her actual gender as opposed to her assigned one. She took the first step towards doing that two days ago by meeting with some medical professionals and doing whatever she needs to in order to initiate that process. She was nervous, so I went with her as a sort of moral support and also to ask any questions that she may have been too nervous to ask or that may not have crossed her mind. Everything went really well, and we walked out that of that appointment in good spirits! I’m so excited for her to embark on this journey of transitioning into her identity because it’s extremely self-empowering and courageous. It makes me be far less afraid of my own transition process when the time arrives. (I’ll be transitioning from female to non-binary; if you’d like a post discussing my gender identity and my path towards discovering my Queer identity, please let me know in the comments. The only reason I haven’t written one yet is because I wasn’t sure if y’all would be into that.). We ended up taking the rest of the day to bask in the moment of joy and appreciate that she’s doing this kick-arse thing! We got lunch at our favourite ramen house. I got spicy curry ramen with extra spinach and shiitake mushrooms and they got an Ahi tuna poke donburi.
Then we came home and played through some of Rise of the Tome Raider in preparation for the third game, which I received as a gift a few days ago. The game is lots of fun, but the bears are fucking vicious. I’m also terrible at most of the platforming bits in this game versus its predecessor. So, she gets to play most of those. I’ll stick to shooting the baddies in the face, I’m good at that, LOL.
When I woke up today and thought about that amazing Monday we shared, it helped me shove the apathy back. I allowed myself to feel the hollowness that comes with loneliness and I cried for a while. Then I centred my thoughts on the good things that have happened since the weekend and this allowed me to feel comforted and at peace, which was phenomenal. Today, I’m going to spend the rest of the day working on a brand-new YouTube video where I shall be doing a tour of my entire anime collection (holy Hell, this took some finagling).
Since I do love working, I decided to return to YouTube again. I took a small break from it because creatively I wasn’t feeling it and I needed to step away. Realising that something isn’t working and choosing to take a few steps back is so healthy and sometimes very necessary. I used to be afraid of this because I felt I was being a bad content creator otherwise. However, ignoring my frustrations and creative blocks and trying to keep at it is what can kill passion for stuff. To avoid that, I put away the camera. But the moments of joy I’ve been leaning on over the course of the past week or so, especially in the last few days, has been inspiring and thus, I shall be returning. Not sure how long it will last. But that’s okay. I’m going to enjoy the hell out of it while that inspiration and desire to create is around.
Anyway, that’s basically my life in a nutshell at the moment. I wasn’t expecting this post to get so long! I’m sorry. I sort of started talking and it all spilled out into the Word document. Maybe the best way to end this is to say that it’s okay to feel really shitty. Life can be a bitch and there won’t always be a happy solution to crawling out of it. It just takes time and patience (a virtue I severely lack), and a tiny bit of hope. Loneliness is still the biggest villain in my life, however, taking it one day, and even just one moment, at a time has made things more bearable. So… cheers to trying in cat-paw sized steps!