Mid-Morning Musings #: Struggling with My Mental Health in the Midst of Hatred

Mention of depression and suicidal thoughts occur in this post. Please, read cautiously.

Bula Chums!

I don’t really have anything profound to say this morning. There are these thoughts and musings in my mind that I feel I need to get out so that I can find a way to stand on my feet again, psychologically speaking. This may turn into a prattling hot mess as well. For that I apologise in advance.

I’ve just been struggling quite heavily with my mental health for what seems like most of 2019. The year started fairly well for me and most of the challenges that I faced revolved around balancing many new activities in my life all at once, such as blogging, taking classes, and (very recently) working on writing books for publishing, to name a few. Yet, with my Chronic Fatigue Syndrome kicking my arse the past couple of days, I’ve had all this time to be trapped in my own mind.

The country I’m living in is a terrible place, possibly on the verge of collapsing on itself due to the shit-show that is ignoring civil rights, blatant corruption, and the fact that the folks who are supposed to protect the people of the country are taking an active hand in their dehumanising demise. It has been so debilitating to me as human being who has now found themselves living in the worst fear imaginable.

When the year started, I knew that things were going to get progressively worse, politically speaking, since the elections shall be taking place relatively soon. The current so-called leader of this country would bust out with all of the tools at his disposal to do as much damage against POC as possible, particularly for individuals who are Black/Arab/Latinx/Hispanic and Muslims. However, I honestly never believed that it would become so dangerously easy to rip us out like a sore tooth and throw us into the trash where he thinks we belong. This isn’t even limited to individuals who aren’t citizens, but also citizens as well. I live in a place where I could literally be deported merely from the “right” people pointing a finger at me for being different and saying, “You don’t belong here, go away.” It doesn’t matter that I’m a legal citizen and have been for over ten years. It doesn’t matter that my family went through all of the proper and legal channels, which took 20+ years and tens of thousands of dollars (my parents worked multiple jobs at a time to make this happen). It doesn’t matter that we’re good people who have obeyed all the laws, paid all of our bills on time, live modestly, kept to ourselves, and just mind our own damned business overall. The only thing they see is our brown skin, accented voices, and that we are Muslim. That we’re different from them, and because we’re different, they fear us.

My mental health has been so fucking godawful all year long as I read and heard about the atrocities that are being committed against POC at the country’s southern border, including children, children who are naturally born citizen. So many children have died within the past six months or so from being detained than any other time in the nation’s history. It’s so excruciating to watch this happen and know that regardless of whatever is being done to stop it, that as long as politicians and people in control keep fighting over who should be treated this way rather than if it’s even fucking right or humane to do this, is appalling. It’s been killing my spirit from the inside out very slowly and I wonder if it’s finally reached its limitations.

I’ve been an agoraphobe (fear of leaving one’s own home) since I left the abusive relationship that I was in approximately five years ago. Therapy and counselling had been helping me manage it to the point where I could finally go back to university and finish my degree(s) and learn to live life again in the most fulfilling manner possible for me. However, I’m more terrified of leaving my home now than I have ever been. Just knowing that if I step outside and am somehow stopped by an ICE official—or whoever else has the authority to make the decision—and if I fail in that moment to prove that I’m a citizen and that I’ve been here for at least two years (I’ve been here for nearly 30 years), I can be deported without due process in a matter of days, is absolutely fucking horrifying. It’s so beyond inconceivable to me that this is what the world has come to that my brain can’t handle it.

This week alone I have had approximately three emotional breakdowns from fear of what will happen to me and my family if this fate befalls us. As citizens we can’t carry around our citizenship paperwork, it’s extremely expensive to replace ($400-$700). I’ve read witness accounts about citizens showing their IDs, social security cards, and birth certificates proving they are citizens and still being tossed into concentration camps or being deported.

So yeah… I’m struggling mentally. Psychologically I am not in a good place at all, even with moral support and trying to stay optimistic. But there comes a time when having hope and trying to stay positive is not enough; when that in and of itself is a huge battle.

Some of things that have crossed my mind, particularly this week with everything intensifying pretty much all around the globe on different scales, include:

🌧️Give up blogging and all forms of social media to limit my online presence (which isn’t that strong to begin with, but it’s still a presence that puts me out there)
🌧️Give up going to university where my encounters with hatred and prejudice would vastly skyrocket (I’ve had many terrible encounters in the past year where I’ve been threatened and repeatedly told to “go back to my country”)
🌧️Contemplate whether trying to live through this* is worth it (this meaning the current political chaos and going through another extensive war with depression and anxiety and paranoia)
🌧️Sell everything I own and find a way to move far away (extremely unrealistic)

Logically I know that these thoughts are preposterous and a residual aftertaste in the midst of the emotional breakdowns I have had. But illogically, irrationally, in all of my human-feeling glory, I can’t help but feel these things. On one hand I wonder if I’m a coward because somewhere in my mind I feel like one for not being stronger to cope with these events. On the other, I’m just a person. I am one person who simply wants to live their life in peace in the pursuit of what brings them joy and not have to look over their shoulder out of unfathomable levels of terror for things outside of their control (having brown skin and an accent or coming from an Islamic family).  

History has shown us that no matter what we accomplish and how hard we fight; marginalised people will never be seen as just people. We are black or brown or yellow or red and we are a threat because we are different. We can be the safest and most compassionate of individuals you’ll ever meet and still we shall be judged not on our merits, but on our appearance and how we sound. We are savages who need to be beaten and starved and raped and humiliated before the oppressor because for some fucking reason that is easier than taking the time to understand and educate oneself on the differences that separate us or to acknowledge the similarities that could make us united and merciful and be at peace. God forbid that abysmal notion: peace. And I’m fucking sick and tired of it.

I never asked to be born brown, Queer, or Muslim, but I was, and I shouldn’t be judged or constantly abused for being so. It’s unfair and dehumanising and malicious and disrespectful. I shouldn’t have to live in such intense fear for my life and my future because of these things. I should just be allowed to live…

As it stands, I don’t plan on giving up on anything, whether it’s blogging, working my arse off to become a published author and/or artist, obtaining my university education on Japanese Culture,  Language & Literature (and other things), or continuing to live my life no matter how bloodied and dirtied it is from all of this fucking fear and frustration. If I stop living, then I acquiesce in letting the power I have over myself and my existence to be taken from me, and my existence is no one else’s but my own… and Kheb’s. So, while I’m struggling like a motherfucker with my mental health, and the desire to give up on everything and lie down to die is so fiercely tenacious, I shall keep going and I shall keep fighting. Fighting for equality. Fighting for peace. Fighting for my right to fucking live my life.

I don’t want to end everything on such a gloomy note, so have some pictures of my children. They always make me smile and help me realise why I’m around. May they make you smile too.

Thank you so much for visiting me today! I appreciate your support. I wish you a lovely day ahead.


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25 thoughts on “Mid-Morning Musings #: Struggling with My Mental Health in the Midst of Hatred

  1. I hope you can find it in your heart to keep writing and doing the things you love. Because coming from personal experience, giving those things up only make it harder to cope. I know how hard it is to get through things especially when you are feeling alone and isolated. I know my words don’t mean much, but I do sincerely hope that you keep at it and persevere through this tough and difficult time. I know I love to read your posts and I can not fathom all the struggles you are going through.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Your words mean a lot to me. I appreciate them very much. ♥ I think at the end of the day that is why I haven’t given up the things I love yet, because on some subconscious level I know that those things are keeping me afloat and moving forward. I’ve learned (and am finally admitting to myself in the midst of all this) that taking it one day at a time is perfectly okay. The more I look at the bigger picture, the more it can hold me down. Sometimes that narrower lens is necessary just to make it. Thanks so much for your kind words and support. I’m deeply appreciative. ♥♥


      • In a place and time we live in today we have to stick together more than ever. If you ever need anyone to talk to no matter when or what I will try my best to help.


  2. Here’s sending you best wishes for mental and physical health and peace. You are in my thoughts. I think you have more online presence than you think btw. Many people love your blog, including me, and we’d miss you dearly if you left.
    I also have a hard time dealing with this country’s hatred, sexism, racism, other discrimination, and movement away from rationality and social values. It sucks. It hurts my mental health for sure. It scares me, even as someone with a degree of “privilege”. (I’m not proud of that at all.) In the midst of this difficult time, it’s amazing to see you holding your own and expressing yourself so beautifully. You’re an inspiration to me.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much. Reading this made me a bit emotional. I’m not really sure what I can say in response. I feel like some mistakes people will just never learn from. The lessons they seem to learn is how to inflict pain in newer ways. The US is very much a republic and we saw how that ended for the Romans. If they remain so set in their inhumane beliefs, it’ll only be a matter of time before they collapse on itself. I hope to be far away by then.

      I’m really glad that you and so many others can turn to my blog for inspiration. It means the world to me to know that and is very humbling too. When I began blogging, it was during the most darkest period of my life (which was far worse than this, unfortunately) and being able to look back to that is what helps me be open and to keep going. I was alone for most of that period and I never want anyone else to feel that same sort of loneliness and isolation if I can help it. ♥

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Well, you know my thoughts about you, and you also know my of my offer to lend you a listening ear whenever you need. That offer always stands no matter what. I just hope you will be okay. I want you to keep going, and I want you to keep fighting, because let me tell you, you are already doing a bang up job of that! Your blog is definitely the thing you should keep going as not only is it something you should be proud of, it also helps you in other ways, and you don’t even know how many other people who have similar experiences also are helped in the process. So really…keep fighting, and be proud of yourself no matter what other people say. I know I am already…and I also know I am not the only one. Take care😊

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks, Raist, you’re really the best. ♥♥

      I’ve made some strides since posting this (which you saw in my recent Self-Care post) and I’m taking a more proactive stance on combatting these harmful and negative feelings. It is challenging, to say the least, but I want to live and I want to experience so much before my time. Support from wonderful people like you and all the other bloggers I’ve met and interact with is pivotal in helping me stay grounded, so I appreciate it with all of my heart and soul.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I read your piece which was beautifully written with such feeling. I felt your humanness. I see people as people in all their similarities and differences. It is what makes our world so wonderful and I believe so much in the rights and equality of every single person on this planet. We all have the right to live a life of peace. I can’t change the world or indeed yours as much as I often struggle to change my own. What I can do is send you love and solidarity in fighting through your pain and difficulties. You have touched my world today Just in your existence and without you the world would be a much poorer place. Keep writing. Although I may live in another part of this world we are joined together in being humans that care x

    Liked by 1 person

  5. It is happening all over this country to so many people. My husband is NATIVE AMERICAN – and he is BROWN. Since 9/11 he has been cornered and questioned about his ethnicity. He gets quite nasty with people these days – pointing out that in fact, he is MORE American than they are – asking them where their parents are from and when they got to this country. He has no accent, and isn’t gay – and he gets hassled. I can’t imagine what you go through. We also get hassled when we are together, because it appears that a white woman (or some people think I’m a man which makes them worse) with a brown boy. Which makes them think we need to be told the error of our ways, or shunned. In fact, I am also part Native American. I grew up in the 60s, seeing this all around me, with a mother who was brown (NA) and hearing her stories of growing up in rural Oklahoma a “half-breed” who ended up playing with the black children because neither the whites nor the native americans would have her. All of my life I’ve been “mistaken” for a boy or man, bullied and threatened. 35 years ago I became Pagan. I don’t scream it from the rooftops, but I don’t hide it either and I feel it every time people in this country “assume” “everyone” is, of course, Xtian.

    Yet, I believed that we had advanced, that we were done with all that crap. That people could love who they wanted, and finally we were color blind and even learning that there is more than binary sexual identification and more than one state sponsored religion. Obama’s election filled me with elation. And then the back lash hit. And then, as if suddenly they had permission to act that way, the people we were around day to day seemed to go mad. Moving away from the midwest, into the Southwest we had it a little better. But those who were prejudiced seemed even more rabid – there were just fewer of them. Moving into Las Vegas, one of the most diverse cities in America, I thought maybe here we would be free of it. It is considerably less common, but I still see things happen, and they do still happen to us. At this point, I’ve pretty much given up on this country. If we could leave, we would. However, although my husbands income would follow us, his health care insurance would not and without dialysis my husband will die. The cost of one weeks care would far exceed our monthly income. So we are trapped.

    We survive. We have, I think, a pretty good quality of life (which really pisses some people off) which comes from concentrating on our blessings. Stopping to smell roses and admire pretty bugs and pretty much put all our focus on what is good and beautiful. We do not willingly watch or read news or have anything to do with politics. I no longer have any belief in our political system, so it’s easier to walk away and simply cut it out of my life as much as possible.

    You want to hear something real scary? That so-called leader just signed a presidential executive order to revamp the dialysis industry and kidney patient care to save money. It goes into effect in 2020. Yeah, the system as it is right now is fucked up. But I hardly expect this administration to make it better and did I mention without dialysis hubby will die? With inadequate dialysis he is sick and will die slower. And he is not a candidate for transplant – and transplant is not a cure, it’s a different set of problems. See, they won’t talk about this – but transplant victims die in about the same amount of time as someone on dialysis. Well, there’s a whole rant but I won’t take up space on your blog with it. We will deal with it.

    So we pray, light candles, affirm and go on with life as best we can. You are not alone – although I’m not sure how much comfort that is. I don’t blame anyone who can and does get out of here. There are places in this country that are better than others. So maybe at least you could seek a better place.

    But turn off the news. And take a walk in a park with flowers and birds. Hug the kitties 😀 One warm purring kitty can cure anything. I believe that. And you have Sir Besty. And your friends here. Time and time again knowing we have had the support of so many friends online has helped hubby and I through a crisis. I hope it helps you to know that you have readers who love and support and admire you.


    Liked by 1 person

    • I had someone tell me on the 4th of July to go back to my country and I almost replied, “I’ll go back when you go back to yours,” but inside I knew that making the situation worse would only harm me. In the end, it wasn’t worth it, so I ignored it and went about my day. This whole concept of Independence Day in the US is so ridiculous given what they have done to the Indigenous people of this land and continue to do to others. I was talking to my room-mate about it, who is a White Christian pastor, and seeing people like her gives me hope that maybe not every single person who identifies like them is such a hateful and malicious human being. The sheer audacity of the privileged who choose to wield it like a weapon against whom they view the lesser being shall never seize to amaze me.

      I’m sorry that you’ve had to suffer and I’m really sorry about the executive order. I heard about it from my cousin who’s a doctor. If it doesn’t benefit the rich and wealthy then it’s not worth the money, according to our leader.

      It is both comforting and disheartening to know that I’m not alone. I wish people didn’t have to suffer merely for being different. I mean, Jesus was a brown-skinned man. In today’s world, he’d be an Arab immigrant. If were here today, he would be utterly appalled at the treatment of humans. People who use him as an excuse to commit atrocities really don’t know anything about him at all. I’m not Christian, I was born in an Islamic household, and am a practising Shin Buddhist, He embodied compassion which is one of the core principles of my faith. Thinking about that very specific thing helps me get through the day. I’m not entirely sure why. But it does. Also knowing that I have the support of my friends, family, and colleagues.

      Sorry this got a bit random

      Liked by 1 person

      • I like your random. Random freely. It’s a shame that any of us still have to suffer and be treated as “less than” by anyone. I’ve known some great white Xtians, but because I spent a lot of my life in the Bible Belt I’ve also been, well, they think they are saving me. I try to give them credit for meaning well. I am Pagan. In general I discover with any in depth discussion, I know more about the Bible and Xtianity than the average Xtian. I do agree, the Jesus we’ve been taught about would be appalled. Even though he was basically a political animal who wanted to be the King of the Jews and using religion to prop up his somewhat shaky inheritance of that title by blood. Xtianity is less a religion than it is a political tool used for centuries by the elite or wealthy to control the greater population and keep them in servitude. Still is. (Speaking of rambling and getting random). It is a blessing to find and create your own community. The executive order scares me, but I’m affirming and praying that since Orange clearly won’t be personally supervising implementation – there is some real rays of hope that finally some alternative methods of caring for kidney patients will finally be funded. There are several different approaches being proposed for replacement kidneys (3D printed, grown from your own cells in a lab, etc.) that would be far better than the current transplants and open to more people. Research has ground to a halt because there has not been any funding – because face it, the corps make more money off dialysis. So I’m praying for only good results and hoping for the best. Think happy thoughts.


  6. I’m so sorry for your struggles, and that bigots have become emboldened. I hope things will get better for you and everyone suffering, and I’m going to try to do my part so that things will.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Your list hits close to home. As someone who deals with suicidal tendencies and the need to isolate myself from the world, I have dealt with all of these things on more than one occasion. I gave up social media since 2016 but just recently came back to Instagram. I haven’t uploaded any photos on my feed but have been having some fun with the IG stories. My therapist suggested doing this, because quitting cold turkey won’t make you happier even if it seems like a good idea in the moment. These 2.5 years of social media isolation is proof that my mood hasn’t improved by quitting social media (I haven’t returned to Facebook and don’t plan to). I also moved far away (not my idea but sort of worked out that way) but my mood stayed the same. Your list is very true for people suffering from depression and suicidal thoughts, so I want to validate your feelings by saying that it’s OK to feel this way and normal to want to do all of these things on this list. Thank you for sharing your vulnerabilities with us, and you’re not alone when it comes to battling your demons.

    🌧️Give up blogging and all forms of social media to limit my online presence (which isn’t that strong to begin with, but it’s still a presence that puts me out there)
    🌧️Give up going to university where my encounters with hatred and prejudice would vastly skyrocket (I’ve had many terrible encounters in the past year where I’ve been threatened and repeatedly told to “go back to my country”)
    🌧️Contemplate whether trying to live through this* is worth it (this meaning the current political chaos and going through another extensive war with depression and anxiety and paranoia)
    🌧️Sell everything I own and find a way to move far away (extremely unrealistic)

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you, Hilary. I haven’t quit social media, but I have limited my use of it. I usually turn to it as a way to distract my mind, but given recent events, it’s been more harmful. So, I limited my use and, for me, it’s been a little helpful. I know pick up a book or play a video game when I really need the distraction and that’s been great.

      I think it’s easy for us as humans to believe that certain things will make an immediate impact in our mental health, but the reality goes far beyond that and is more complex. Which is where the struggles stem from. For me, it’s been a big batch of trial and error with figuring out how to cope. Sometimes it works, and other times like I chat about here, it doesn’t make a lick of difference. But I’m going to keep going forward and keep trying. It’s really the best thing I can do.

      Thanks for all your support. I’m so glad that I was able to meet you. You’re a really wonderful person. ♥

      Liked by 1 person

  8. I’m so glad you shared this, it is better to let it out then holding it in and letting it fester. These times are tough and frightening. Know that you aren’t alone and in person I am standing with you, and you seem to have a lot of support here in the community as well! We will get through this together!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I definitely didn’t want it to fester. That is decidedly never a great idea. Thank you, Sir Besty, for being such an amazing pillar in my life. Your support and your presence in my existence makes the most positive difference. You make me want to not give up and your stubbornness can be frustrating, but in the best ways. We shall tackle whatever comes our way together always! ♥♥


  9. Pingback: Self-Care Sunday #19: Developing Willpower & Fortitude via Brutally Honest Pep-Talks | BiblioNyan

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