Mention of depression and suicidal thoughts occur in this post. Please, read cautiously.
I don’t really have anything profound to say this morning. There are these thoughts and musings in my mind that I feel I need to get out so that I can find a way to stand on my feet again, psychologically speaking. This may turn into a prattling hot mess as well. For that I apologise in advance.
I’ve just been struggling quite heavily with my mental health for what seems like most of 2019. The year started fairly well for me and most of the challenges that I faced revolved around balancing many new activities in my life all at once, such as blogging, taking classes, and (very recently) working on writing books for publishing, to name a few. Yet, with my Chronic Fatigue Syndrome kicking my arse the past couple of days, I’ve had all this time to be trapped in my own mind.
The country I’m living in is a terrible place, possibly on the verge of collapsing on itself due to the shit-show that is ignoring civil rights, blatant corruption, and the fact that the folks who are supposed to protect the people of the country are taking an active hand in their dehumanising demise. It has been so debilitating to me as human being who has now found themselves living in the worst fear imaginable.
When the year started, I knew that things were going to get progressively worse, politically speaking, since the elections shall be taking place relatively soon. The current so-called leader of this country would bust out with all of the tools at his disposal to do as much damage against POC as possible, particularly for individuals who are Black/Arab/Latinx/Hispanic and Muslims. However, I honestly never believed that it would become so dangerously easy to rip us out like a sore tooth and throw us into the trash where he thinks we belong. This isn’t even limited to individuals who aren’t citizens, but also citizens as well. I live in a place where I could literally be deported merely from the “right” people pointing a finger at me for being different and saying, “You don’t belong here, go away.” It doesn’t matter that I’m a legal citizen and have been for over ten years. It doesn’t matter that my family went through all of the proper and legal channels, which took 20+ years and tens of thousands of dollars (my parents worked multiple jobs at a time to make this happen). It doesn’t matter that we’re good people who have obeyed all the laws, paid all of our bills on time, live modestly, kept to ourselves, and just mind our own damned business overall. The only thing they see is our brown skin, accented voices, and that we are Muslim. That we’re different from them, and because we’re different, they fear us.
My mental health has been so fucking godawful all year long as I read and heard about the atrocities that are being committed against POC at the country’s southern border, including children, children who are naturally born citizen. So many children have died within the past six months or so from being detained than any other time in the nation’s history. It’s so excruciating to watch this happen and know that regardless of whatever is being done to stop it, that as long as politicians and people in control keep fighting over who should be treated this way rather than if it’s even fucking right or humane to do this, is appalling. It’s been killing my spirit from the inside out very slowly and I wonder if it’s finally reached its limitations.
I’ve been an agoraphobe (fear of leaving one’s own home) since I left the abusive relationship that I was in approximately five years ago. Therapy and counselling had been helping me manage it to the point where I could finally go back to university and finish my degree(s) and learn to live life again in the most fulfilling manner possible for me. However, I’m more terrified of leaving my home now than I have ever been. Just knowing that if I step outside and am somehow stopped by an ICE official—or whoever else has the authority to make the decision—and if I fail in that moment to prove that I’m a citizen and that I’ve been here for at least two years (I’ve been here for nearly 30 years), I can be deported without due process in a matter of days, is absolutely fucking horrifying. It’s so beyond inconceivable to me that this is what the world has come to that my brain can’t handle it.
This week alone I have had approximately three emotional breakdowns from fear of what will happen to me and my family if this fate befalls us. As citizens we can’t carry around our citizenship paperwork, it’s extremely expensive to replace ($400-$700). I’ve read witness accounts about citizens showing their IDs, social security cards, and birth certificates proving they are citizens and still being tossed into concentration camps or being deported.
So yeah… I’m struggling mentally. Psychologically I am not in a good place at all, even with moral support and trying to stay optimistic. But there comes a time when having hope and trying to stay positive is not enough; when that in and of itself is a huge battle.
Some of things that have crossed my mind, particularly this week with everything intensifying pretty much all around the globe on different scales, include:
🌧️Give up blogging and all forms of social media to limit my online presence (which isn’t that strong to begin with, but it’s still a presence that puts me out there)
🌧️Give up going to university where my encounters with hatred and prejudice would vastly skyrocket (I’ve had many terrible encounters in the past year where I’ve been threatened and repeatedly told to “go back to my country”)
🌧️Contemplate whether trying to live through this* is worth it (this meaning the current political chaos and going through another extensive war with depression and anxiety and paranoia)
🌧️Sell everything I own and find a way to move far away (extremely unrealistic)
Logically I know that these thoughts are preposterous and a residual aftertaste in the midst of the emotional breakdowns I have had. But illogically, irrationally, in all of my human-feeling glory, I can’t help but feel these things. On one hand I wonder if I’m a coward because somewhere in my mind I feel like one for not being stronger to cope with these events. On the other, I’m just a person. I am one person who simply wants to live their life in peace in the pursuit of what brings them joy and not have to look over their shoulder out of unfathomable levels of terror for things outside of their control (having brown skin and an accent or coming from an Islamic family).
History has shown us that no matter what we accomplish and how hard we fight; marginalised people will never be seen as just people. We are black or brown or yellow or red and we are a threat because we are different. We can be the safest and most compassionate of individuals you’ll ever meet and still we shall be judged not on our merits, but on our appearance and how we sound. We are savages who need to be beaten and starved and raped and humiliated before the oppressor because for some fucking reason that is easier than taking the time to understand and educate oneself on the differences that separate us or to acknowledge the similarities that could make us united and merciful and be at peace. God forbid that abysmal notion: peace. And I’m fucking sick and tired of it.
I never asked to be born brown, Queer, or Muslim, but I was, and I shouldn’t be judged or constantly abused for being so. It’s unfair and dehumanising and malicious and disrespectful. I shouldn’t have to live in such intense fear for my life and my future because of these things. I should just be allowed to live…
As it stands, I don’t plan on giving up on anything, whether it’s blogging, working my arse off to become a published author and/or artist, obtaining my university education on Japanese Culture, Language & Literature (and other things), or continuing to live my life no matter how bloodied and dirtied it is from all of this fucking fear and frustration. If I stop living, then I acquiesce in letting the power I have over myself and my existence to be taken from me, and my existence is no one else’s but my own… and Kheb’s. So, while I’m struggling like a motherfucker with my mental health, and the desire to give up on everything and lie down to die is so fiercely tenacious, I shall keep going and I shall keep fighting. Fighting for equality. Fighting for peace. Fighting for my right to fucking live my life.
I don’t want to end everything on such a gloomy note, so have some pictures of my children. They always make me smile and help me realise why I’m around. May they make you smile too.
Thank you so much for visiting me today! I appreciate your support. I wish you a lovely day ahead.
If you enjoy my content, please consider providing me with a one-time donation ($3). All proceeds go towards the maintenance and upkeep of my blog, as well as towards my prescriptions. Additionally, you can suggest one anime or Asian drama for me to watch during the month for reviewing purposes! Thank you very much.