G’morning and happy weekend, Chums. I received some fucking fantastic news yesterday—a string of them actually—and I wanted to talk to y’all about it this frosty Friday morning. Please note that there may be some random CAPS SECTIONS because the excitement is fucking alive today, let me tell you, Holy Hell, Chums. HOLY HELL. Also, I’ve had way more caffeine than normal (6 or 7 cups versus the normal 2-3), and because of that the vulgarities are strong. If you’re not into that, you may want to avoid this blathering post.
So, yesterday, I made a couple of ambiguous posts on my Instagram stories thingy about having good news falling into my lap, especially ones that were dreams were coming true. I’ve shared them down below. Now, for the past week or so, I’ve been feeling uncertain about my future. While these feelings come and go, the last few days have been especially harsh, mentally speaking. I’ve been stagnant for about a year after successfully navigating treatments for post-marital chaos. Now that I’m on my feet, so to speak, I’m ready for life to start life-ing. Sir Besty always tells me that patience is important and if you ask for it then good things happen. I called bullshite, but I asked, nonetheless. Not only did I receive, it fell on my head like a motherfucking anvil, and pretty much knocked me the fuck out.
At 3:02 am I received an e-mail from Monterey State University saying that I had been ACCEPTED into their Japanese Culture & Literature programme. Of course, I didn’t read it until I woke up around 6ish (also, what is up with the Morning Person routine, Brain-chan? You do realise I’m a nocturnal cat, right?). I walked into Sir Besty’s room and kind of fell onto her bed like a zombie and handed her my phone. She grinned all knowingly and said, “I told you you’d get in, didn’t I?” I fought the urge to smack her.
While I tried to process this information, my body went very numb from shock and my brain was a blank canvas. For example, whenever I tried to think of cohesive words or images, anything to help me gauge how I was feeling beneath the shell-shocked block of ice, my brain was filled with nothing by white noise. I took a breath and chose to put it aside until the astonishment melted a bit.
Oh, but there’s MORE!
So, at 9:18 am after I came home from getting a cup of coca and going on a small drive (they help me calm down and unwind from anxiety and stress), I received an e-mail from San Francisco State University (SFS) telling me that I had been ACCEPTED into their Japanese Studies programme… To give you an idea of what I felt in that moment, I’ve screen-capped the text messages that I sent to Sir Besty and then my other best friend in the whole wide world who lives way too far away (he’s aptly named as Meow Mutherfucker in my phone, so I’ll refer to him from this point on as Meow Bro).
San Francisco State’s e-mail was beyond astounding to me. I had applied to their programme back in 2012-13 when I obtained my Associates of Arts degree in English Language & Literature. The motherfuckers rejected me, even though I had a decent GPA and a fresh new degree. While in the back of mind, somewhere, I knew that I’d get admitted to Monterey Bay because I met all of their requirements, I never fucking believed in my wildest dreams that SFS would also admit me. I mean, they were my dream college to attend many years ago, which makes sense considering their Japanese programme is the second best in the United States.
After talking back and forth with Meow Bro for a good hour or so, I sat down and just cried. I cried my bleeding heart out. I think it was from a weird accumulation of relief, joy, pride, bewilderment, disbelief, denial, and… gratitude. So much fucking gratitude. Here I was worried about getting one opportunity at pursuing my dreams, and trying to prepare for the chance that I may not even fucking get it, and Boss Man had dropped two of them into my lap, which means that I have a decision to make now. A big fucking one.
Monterey Bay’s programme was one that I had always admired because I felt it was tailored made for everything that I wanted to do in both my professional and personal life. But it’s also one of the most intensive Japanese language programmes in the country, taking the student to near-native levels of speaking. However, San Francisco State was my dream college, second only to Oxford University (which I got into but squandered the opportunity because I was dumb-fuck teenager), since I was a kid. My brother attended University of California, San Francisco (UCSF) for his first bachelor’s degree and we would always talk about my going to either UCSF or SFS. That’s why when that acceptance e-mail arrived, I completely fucking shattered. Also, Meow Bro remembered the promises I had made to my brother and that is what ignited my sobbing (screen-capped below). But it felt wonderful, to cry for once, in regard to my brother, with pride and happiness rather than grief and loneliness.
I have until my birthday in October to make my decision officially. I couldn’t sleep last night because I needed to make a choice for myself, or it’d drive me batty (thanks OCD). I weighed the pros and cons and the in-betweens of both colleges, bouncing around like Tigger on speed. When my scaling of the two became too much for me to handle for the night (i.e.: got a migraine), I took some medicine and went to bed. When I awoke this morning, the decision was extremely clear to me and it felt fucking wonderful to finally have a plan, to be moving forward with my life, especially in the ways that I’ve always dreamt: honouring my brother and honouring my pursuits with the passion he instilled into me.
I’m going to attend San Francisco State University. Of course, there is a chance that Life can happen and prevent me from going, but as of this very moment that’s where I’m going. Between being the best place to go for my chosen programme and the promises made to the one person whom I love and respect above everything and everyone else, even in death—it’s really a no-brainer, don’t ya think? Plus, I won’t have to move away and leave my kitties behind (see cute faces below).
One-thousand-seventy-one words later, that is what happens when Opportunity blows your motherfucking door down at an outrageously early time in the morning. Six years of sweating, bleeding, and struggling has led me to this very moment. Six years of excruciatingly incapacitating self-doubt and continuously fighting through it all, even when I wanted to give up, has led me here. Whenever you feel like things are taking too long, or that they seem like they’ll never happen for you, don’t give into those thoughts. The cold, hard truth is that you may not be ready for those opportunities to arrive quite yet, no matter how much you feel you are. Looking back now, if these things happened last year when I really wanted them to, I wouldn’t have been ready to make the plunge. I wasn’t strong enough or mentally prepared for what would be at stake. I am now, however. More than ready. I’m glad that it took its sweet ass time getting to me, otherwise it would have been a missed chance at living my best fucking life possible.
Holy Hell… my first dream as been accomplished. Here’s to many, many more! *raises gigantic cup of coffee*
Thank you so much for visiting me today! I appreciate your support. I wish you a lovely day ahead.
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