Who Are We Kidding? Once a Blogger, Always a Blogger – My Return to BiblioNyan & a Chaotic Life Update

** Please note that I shall be discussing my medical conditions, which pertain to cardiac-related things. I’m not sure if that’s a trigger for anyone, but just in case, that’s my disclaimer. Also, a brief mention of death shall also occur. Read at your own discretion. **


Alright, I must ask, how many of you took a bet that I would be back before the wick on 2019 burned to the ground? Because, if I’m to be perfectly frank, I didn’t, which is a shock in and of itself, actually. A big part of me knew that I would miss blogging too much to stay away for a terribly long time. My estimate was that the week before my new life at Uni began, I would have returned.

Yet, I was wrong.

Wronger (it’s word today) than I ever thought possible.

Oh well, ‘tis the elegance of life at times, am I right?

So… with that spot of silliness, please allow me to start properly.


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Good afternoon, Chums! I have missed you all terribly. Many things have happened in my life since signing off at the start of October. Most of the experiences where inconceivably terrifying, however, there are a few bits of excitement that flooded my life as well. Things that I am equally excited, intimidated by, and grateful for. All of which have led me to return to blogging shenanigans with great enthusiasm.

For anyone who is new around here, welcome to my blog, BiblioNyan! My name is Neha a.k.a. (also known as) Yon Nyan and my pronouns are They/Them/Their (I’m a Nonbinary human). Feel free to call me Neha, although most folx just call me Nyan, which is my preferred name. “Yon Nyan” literally translates into “four meows” from Japanese, and it’s in reference to my servitude of four fantastically moody felines. I blogged about books, otaku content, mental health, and Japanese studies before I went on (an extremely short-lived) retirement in preparation of school things and other life things. You can read all about it here and here, if you so desire.


October was a month that I was looking forward to for a few reasons. Firstly, my birthday is in October, so I usually spend the entire month celebrating. Secondly, this was the first year in a very long fucking time where I wanted to spend all the days reading horror novels. Thirdly, pumpkin spice everything. Need I say more? So, imagine my surprise when literally one week and one day after announcing my retirement, I ended up dying.

I woke up on the 12th with severe heart palpitations, mild pain, and some breathing issues. I was also ridiculously nauseous. This wasn’t my first time experiencing these symptoms, and usually they go away on their own within a few hours. However, fourteen hours later when they were still around and more prominent than ever, I knew that I had to go to the Emergency Room (ER). After phoning my parentals and having them pick me up, off we went. In hindsight, I should have called an ambulance, but as a human who doesn’t have a lot of money, I didn’t want to pay for that ride. Little did I know that with my current health plan, if the hospital is a certain number of miles from my house, then the ride is free. Of course, I didn’t discover this shite until after-the-fact.

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Anyway, once we got there, I was prepared to sit around the waiting room for an outrageous number of hours because that tends to be the standard when someone goes into an American ER. But they took me into a room within ten minutes of my arrival. They did an EKG thingy and admitted me immediately. Turned out that I have a form of arrythmia and that’s what was causing all of my symptoms. The treatment for this uncomfortable condition? Shocking my heart with electricity, to put it into simple terms. When they told me that, I unintentionally replied with a sarcastic quip that most of the doctors and medical humans found humorous (my mouth always acts before my mind thinks). So, the docs tried to treat it with pharmaceuticals first after that. Of course, it didn’t work, and the shock treatment thing needed to be done. They killed me (stopped my heart) and then gave it a shock. Then they told me that I would have to stay in the hospital for a few days so they could run approximately 2,156,963 tests.

I was fucking frightened beyond belief.

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I’ve been in the hospital before for a plethora of things. Concussions. Internal bleeding. Pre-existing heart condition. Yet, none of those previous occurrences ever scared me to this extent. I’m going to chock it up to dying (doctor induced or not, dying is fucking dying). My immediate thought after they told me I’d be a resident for the rest of the weekend was simply, “Over my dead body.”

The irony is not lost on me.

Nevertheless, I took one look at my parents’ faces and I knew that I couldn’t be an immature and reckless berk. I stayed and underwent as many tests as I could. They learned that I have something called pulmonary hypertension, which is causing my heart to get abnormally larger. The kicker of this whole diagnosis is that, aside from the enlarged heart, I don’t have any of the other necessary symptoms for it to be pulmonary hypertension. Turns out that this was the most fitting diagnosis they could give me because they didn’t know what the hell was causing my heart to enlarge. Even though I have congenital heart disease, everything else pertaining to my physical health is excellent. For example, pulmonary hypertension occurs when someone has dangerously high blood pressure, cholesterol, and something else I can’t recall at the moment. I don’t have issues with any of that. My blood pressure is absurdly perfect, even low by some medical standards. Same with cholesterol and all the other things. They ran so many tests and couldn’t find out anything else. By the third day, I was done. I ended up walking out of the hospital after that. By then, I was so mentally exhausted and stressed out that I needed to leave, or I knew the added strain would cause me to have a heart attack or stroke.  

 

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Until they can properly get to the root of the abnormal growth of my heart, I am on medication and I not allowed to do anything that can cause my heart to rise above a certain BPM (beats per minute). I basically have to wear a heart monitor at all times to keep track of my pulse. I even have a portable EKG monitor that sends reports to my doctor(s).

Now, before all of this happened, I was going through the lengthy interview process of getting hired at my local library. Once I got out of the hospital, I received an email that I had been hired! This was much needed happy news after a weekend of absolute fucking Hell. The library that I got the job at is a five-story library (it’s essentially the main administrative hub for the city’s whole library system). After my first day, I knew that there was no way my doctors would allow me to keep the job. I met with my doctor afterwards to do a follow-up and after chatting with them about what the job entailed and all of the physical strain that would be placed on me, and thus my heart, they gave me the recommendation to either find other work or to go on disability.

For many people who may be wondering what the big deal is, let me give you a brief rundown. Since the inherent cause behind my enlarged heart is unknown, we can’t treat it successfully, or without the risk of making the condition worse. By placing my heart under a consistent amount of strain where it’s pumping much harder to get the blood flowing through all the valves and things, especially since I already have arrhythmia (irregular circulation), it can cause my heart to grow faster. It also significantly increases my chances of stroke and heart attack, which I’m already pretty high-risk for as it is thanks to that damned shock thingymajig. This means if I were to get a job, the best job that I could get is a desk one, which are very hard to come by in my town. Although, I am looking at becoming a tutor at my university in January. I feel like that would be the perfect gig for me given all of these circumstances that have invaded my existence.  

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So… yeah. That was my entire October. While I can safely say that this was the worst experience I’ve ever had with relation to my physical health, I can also say that it was the most enlightening one. Going through all of that brought me closer to my parents and we have the best relationship that we have had in years. I’m far more grateful of the opportunities that I have received and am being more proactive in their pursuit rather than allowing my fears of failure to hold me back. Dying, whether it was for two minutes or two hours, showed me that life is extremely fragile and painfully short. Why not make the most of each day when I’m able to rather than sit around and watch it pass me by?

All of this brings me to my return to blogging. I’m agonisingly stressed out, Chums. My mind is constantly thinking about my heart and all of the things that may or may not trigger a heart attack or stroke. While logically I know it’s not that simple or straightforward, I can’t help but worry. Worrying is something that I could win the gold medal for at at the fucking Olympics. Having depression, anxiety, and all of the other shite that I do makes it very easy to fall into mental and emotional traps of over-worrying and stressing myself out to the point that it becomes dangerous for me.

I began blogging years ago as a coping mechanism, which is something I’ve discussed in many of my Self-Care Sunday and Mid-Morning Musings posts. It’s also something I mention briefly in my Retirement Announcement. Since I left, I had been struggling quite a bit with trying to find resources that could provide me with the same air of comfort and reprieve that blogging gave to me, without much luck. Because I have removed the strong presence of this act of self-care and comfort, I’ve gained weight (which is really bad as I’m supposed to lose weight to lessen strain on my heart), I’ve had far more Low Days and anxiety attacks, atrociously habitual insomnia, and more. The hospitalisation has magnified all of it further. I need blogging more now than I ever have.

While I took my mental health into consideration, I still chose to walk away because I knew that I would be immensely limited on time with working, commuting to Uni, and then all of the studies and homework I’d be undergoing for my programmes of study. I didn’t want to be a blogger unless I could give it the attention and dedication that it deserved. Yet, with my abilities of getting a job being annexed for the unforeseeable future, I find that my time slots for creating content has opened up drastically, at least until January. Between now and the end of January, when Uni classes begin, the only thing that I shall be working on with great effort are my personal writing projects (NaNoWriMo, short stories, and my full-length novel). So, looking at this free time and the desperate cries of my mental health, becoming a blogger again seemed like the perfect solution!

I would like to apologise to all of my followers, especially the ones who’ve been around through all of the ups and downs that have plagued this space this year. I know that things have been a bit messy and uncertain, and I’m so fucking grateful of your patience with me. Your words of support and understanding and just your overall care and kindness are appreciated and cherished beyond expression. It’s helped me to hold on to BiblioNyan with a great sense of warmth. I look forward to blogging again and returning to this fantastic community and I hope that you shall have me once more. ♥

The only thing I’d like to add before signing off is that I don’t have a set schedule yet. For now, I’ll just be posting stuff when I have something to chat about. I don’t want to create expectations right off the bat that I may not be able to meet as I’m ironing out the details. 

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Thank you so much for visiting me today! I appreciate your support. I wish you a lovely day ahead.

お立ち寄りいただきありがとうございました。よい一日をお過ごしください。

29 thoughts on “Who Are We Kidding? Once a Blogger, Always a Blogger – My Return to BiblioNyan & a Chaotic Life Update

  1. Glad to see you back, even if it is under absolutely terrifying circumstances! Hospitals freak me out at the best of times and the only thing “wrong” with me is a hernia, so I can’t even imagine going in there and them saying “hey, we’re gonna kill you, but it’ll just be for a moment”. Or, err, words to that effect. You have my eternal respect for making it through what must have been an awful experience!

    I hope the return to blogging helps. Writing is such an important outlet for me in its various forms; I can’t imagine being without it, whether it’s creative writing I do for myself or the stuff I share more publicly. As someone who has difficulty communicating some things face-to-face, it’s also a great means of me being able to express myself in a way where I can feel like I’m understood.

    Good luck with the unexpected turns your life has taken and I look forward to seeing you around the Reader more often!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’ve written a couple of posts and it’s already done some wonders for my mental health. I’m glad that I was able to return to it. I think even if I get super busy and can only write one post a week, it’s much better than not writing at all. 🙂

      Thanks so much! Life will be a bit tougher moving forward, but I’m alive and that’s most important. ♥

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Wow… that is a very turbulant October. I’m glad that you’re on the mend (more or less, progress is progress!). I had been thinking about your blog earlier today, so my surprise in seeing this post was an additional pleasent surprise!

    Looking forward to seeing you blog when you can. Glad to have you back!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Very turbulent, lol. Only thing I’m really bummed about is that I can’t get a job like I was hoping because of the heart thing, but on the bright side, I’m alive and it could’ve been much worse.

      Feels good to be back. 🙂 Thanks so much! ♥

      Liked by 1 person

  3. So sorry to hear about all your health issues, but glad they caught it and that you, your family, and your doctors are working hard to help and manage it. As a certified wimp, I can’t even imagine how scary this was. Looking forward to your posts, but make sure you aren’t overworking yourself!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m sorry you had that very frightening experience. It’s scary not fully knowing what’s happening to your heart. I hope that by resting, you will be able to find some kind of relief. I find it strange how they diagnosed it as pulmonary hypertension (right-sided heart problem) when your blood pressure is normal or on the low-end of normal? Did they have you take diuretics to lower your blood pressure?

    That’s too bad about the job that you were looking forward to starting, but at least you were able to see a silver lining. That’s a great attitude to have! It’s good to see you blogging again 😊

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yeah, I’m bummed about the job and the prospect of not really being able to work unless it’s from home, but I am alive and things could’ve been far worse. There’s an adjustment period that kind of sucks, but overall I’m just happy I’m alive and I have support. 🙂

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  5. I was kind of betting in my mind that you would be back. Just didn’t know when. I’m sorry if that makes me a bad person.

    And your October sounds nuts. I’m sorry that all of that happened to you and your all the problems you’ve been facing. 🙁

    Liked by 2 people

    • Nah, doesn’t make you a bad person at all, unless you meant it in a negative way of sorts. Which I doubt you did. 😉 It’s just such a great coping mechanism for my depression. Staying away didn’t seem like the best option lol.

      And thanks, it’s pretty hectic, but there are silver linings and that helps me stay positive. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  6. massive cwtches/hugs – You’re so strong Neko!

    Obv., I’m glad you’re back, but I’m sorry you had to go through that! hugs more

    Blogging is awesome-sauce as something to lean on, but try not to put too much pressure on yourself! There’re no deadlines or schedules that aren’t self-imposed so post when you want to, not cos you feel you have to. And, most importantly, enjoy yourself! You deserve it ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks so much!! hugs

      I promise I’ll take it easy and not put pressure on myself. I won’t have a schedule at all because I know I won’t be able to stick to it with my health the way it is. I’m just happy to be writing and blogging again. ♥

      Liked by 1 person

  7. “Alright, I must ask, how many of you took a bet that I would be back before the wick on 2019 burned to the ground? ”

    I figured it’s be first quarter, 2020. So when I started reading this, I was really happy you were back!

    “So, imagine my surprise when literally one week and one day after announcing my retirement, I ended up dying.”

    You know how to hook a reader, you know that? My brain actually froze solid when it tried to interpret that sentence.

    “I would like to apologise to all of my followers, especially the ones who’ve been around through all of the ups and downs that have plagued this space this year. ”

    I don’t think you have anything to apologize for.

    “For now, I’ll just be posting stuff when I have something to chat about. ”

    That sounds like a perfect schedule.

    First, thanks for sharing your experience. After reading that, anyone who hadn’t gone through something similar might be a lot better prepared if it happens to them.

    Second, now I feel guilty for being happy you’re back! I’d much prefer you be happily employed and far too busy for blogging!

    But if this is really a coping skill for you, then welcome back. I’ll be glad to do my part and read your stuff!

    And do be careful! Keep a cell phone on yourself at all time. I understand some iPhone users have even had good luck telling Siri to call 911 for them…

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yeah, my biggest advice is that if anyone is feeling those symptoms, don’t wait 14 hours like I did. That was not the wisest thing. Make sure to go to the ER ASAP!!

      It’s one of the best coping methods for my depression. I honestly think I would have managed okay if the heart stuff didn’t happen. It would just take some time. But the heart stuff just added all this stress and I needed an immediate treatment/coping method. So returning to blogging was the best choice. Plus, I miss the way it helps me to keep the creativity going.

      Thanks so much. I have a monitor that I wear at all times that tracks my pulse and does EKGs when I feel abnormal. It also yells at me when my pulse gets out of hand and I can dial 911 from it. My partner took ALL the measures after I got out of the hospital, not that I can blame them.

      For now, I just hope to blog when I can (won’t have a schedule; not feasible with the health shenanigans) and focus on my studies. I’m glad to be back.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Pingback: Around the Network | MoeGamer

  9. I’m glad your back, although I certainly wish it were under better circumstances. I’m infamous not only for dragging myself out of hospital against orders, but I’ve even kidnapped my husband out once. (Let us note that it was literally HOURS before anyone noticed he was gone.) Do keep us posted on how you are doing and whatever medical details you feel like sharing. I’ll be sending reiki. And looking forward to keeping up on your posts, your reading, your progress with Uni, and all the other life stuff. Blessedbe.

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