Today, I’m feeling a bit blue. I received some bad news on Sunday, which has left me with a mixture of emotions overall, but the most prominent of them is frustration and a tad bit of sadness. On one hand I am relieved because this news is better in both the short and long terms for my physical health and permanent disabilities. However, in the short-run and very near future, it has created a bit of a setback. It’s definitely forcing me to look at my priorities and contemplate adding some monetary elements to my blog (which I’ll discuss with y’all and keep you apprised as they arise if I do end up going that route).
Either way, I woke up feeling bummed with my mind vehemently active in searching for solutions. In an effort towards distraction, I dragged myself out of bed—quite literally, actually—and then began my usual routine. Made the bed, fed the pets, had tea, got dressed in my daytime pyjamas (yes, I have daytime and sleepy-time pyjamas 😁), and then cleaned up my office (yay to OCD). As I sat here trying to determine what steps I should be working on this morning, I heard tons of loud noises behind me and in front of me (where my desk is; the noise came from the windows behind my desk). Basically, all my cats (I have four) were acting like they were on drugs. Super hyperactive, playing with one another and trying to break down all the windows and walls of the house—a typical cat-shenanigan type of my morning.
I started laughing at their silliness and in that brief moment my frustrations and sadness were able to take a break. Seeing them being so unapologetically and uniquely themselves gave me the small burst of inspiration that I needed to get past this hurdle. Also, talking to a very good and wise close friend of mine. Her support has really helped me to crawl out of the funk and to keep my chin up (thank you, Foovay).
Many of you may already be aware, but my ultimate dream in life is to become a published author. Recently, due to the pandemic, life has been tough and tight around the edges, financially speaking. In an effort to obtain a traditional day job and to help my family out, I put my writing dreams on hold. With the arrival of this new setback, I’ve realised that maybe Boss Man is telling me to stop running away from writing; to stop being a craven in the pursuit of my truest ambitions. In essence, I get frightened of rejection—absolutely fucking terrified of it—and then I run away, psychologically speaking. I feel it in my heart that I’m being pushed to face my fears, especially as they pertain to rejection, and to do the one thing I know I can do, even if pursuing it scares the bloody living hell out of me—write stories. Besides, at this point in my life and all the fucking setbacks I’ve been having with my health (mental and physical), writing may be the only option for me in terms of surviving financially.
My main goal is to have a plan set up for tackling writing ruts and creative blocks as they are my biggest obstacles, aside from the fear of rejection bit. If I can create a contingency strategy for dealing with those two things, I wholeheartedly believe I can kick ass at this writing gig. I’ve even got a list of agents to query depending on the type of manuscript I’m ready to present out to the world (cosy mystery, adult SFF, and diverse YA; still need a poetry agent though). It’s literally a matter of polishing some shite up and pushing pass the giant, thick fog of my blackest and darkest fears.
Anyhoo, I digressed a bit there, but thanks to my beautifully chaotic kitties and my close friend, I was able to put aside my feelings of negativity and take a look towards the next step. While some people would call it a longshot, I say it’s a definitive itinerary at the very least and that’s a whole lot better than sitting here with nothing else going for me, just staring outside the window feeling sorry for myself (I’m sure I’ll do this for a short while as I have depression and sometimes can’t help it, but it won’t be the end all be all, if that makes sense).
Here are the four boobs of my life that helped me smile and find the courage to get back up off the ground; the kitties of my heart and soul who always make sure I keep going with the flow of this hot mess known as Life. Thank you, kitties. Thank you for your chaos and your roaring and meowing and your spirited energies of positivity. I love you bumpkins so much.