Hey all. For today’s Mid-Afternoon Musings, I actually made a voice-recording to go with the write-up. The writing bit is a transcription of the voice recording. I’m trying to put together a new podcast gig thing, so I figured this could be a trial for it. I’m still working on getting a better mic, so if the audio quality isn’t all supreme, don’t worry, I’m working on obtaining the tools to make that aspect better.
Please let me know what y’all think in the comments if you can! Thank you. ✌🏾
Almost a week ago, I discovered a fairly large lump (approximately the size of a ping pong ball) on the inside of my kitty’s throat. Of course the absolute worst possible scenarios began to flutter through my mind. I went ahead and made an appointment with the vet, which won’t be going down until next week, but waiting for that appointment and, as such, any answers as to what’s going on is absolutely fucking torture. Azizi (old sick kitty man) seems to be doing perfectly fine in other aspects. He’s eating, drinking, and litter-ing normally. He’s as cranky as is typical for him and seems to be playful when I initiate toy-infused fun-times. So, as far as physical health beyond the lump thing, he’s doing great. But things could still go very, very wrong and it has me freaking the fuck out.
On top of dealing with that shite, I have had a lot of opportunities arise in my personal/professional life. As someone who’s neuroatypical and has severe ADHD, having a mountainous plethora of options to choose from has been igniting my anxiety like a fucking firecracker. Don’t get me wrong, I’m extremely grateful for all of the stuff that has arisen, especially so soon after my heart surgery and recovery (considering I never expected to live this fucking long to begin with…). But it’s still all supremely overwhelming, and instead of feeling like I have the chance to move forward, I am feeling more stuck than ever. It makes me wish I never quit vaping… (anxiety-coping mechanism).
I feel like every time I set my mind towards doing something with serious intent, another batch of opportunities pop up making me question and re-question my path. I’m also an extremely impulsive person with regard to my emotional and mental energies, (common with someone with my unique combination of conditions), and because of that it’s difficult for me to hold an interest in one specific subject, topic, or path for extended periods of time. This is why I’ve changed my major so many fucking times, for example.
Currently, I’m pursuing Pharmacy Science with everything I’ve got because I love the challenge of the subject matter and the security that being a doctor will provide for my future. However, before that, I was studying to become a translator of Japanese literature and a cultural documentarian for Japanese history. It’s something that I never lost my passion or interest in, but when my heart became severely fucked-up, I had to place that dream to the side as I was significantly limited with my ability to travel at the time. Now that my heart is on the mend (as much as it can be), and I’ve received offers to attend two of my dream programmes to specialise in the field (I’ve done some work in the field already and my cultural anime reviews piqued interest), everything that I had planned for the next five years has blown the fuck up and I’ve no idea how to pick up the pieces.
My cousin—and my best friend in this universe, who’s also the father to the nephews I dote on constantly—has told me to do it all. He mentioned that I love being challenged, and when it’s done to an extreme, I can become incredibly ambitious. He thinks I should pursue both avenues and see how it fares. They can play back-up to one another in case if one of them falls through, or I can surprise the shite out of everyone, including myself, and succeed at both. I’m not going to lie, the thought of being a Pharmacist and documentarian made me laugh quite a lot because they’re at such opposite ends of the spectrum.
I’ll have to reply to the Deans of the two programmes by the end of April, so that means my month is going to jam-packed with trying to figure out where I want to invest my energies for a future that shall always be rather unknown no matter how much I try to plan for it. Oh, and there’s the little issue of my furry son potentially having cancer and dying on me as well…
So far I can safely say that I fucking hate 2021 as much as I appreciate it… which is a fuck-ton load.
Anyhoo, because of all the shenanigans going on here, I’ve been absent from the blog and I also deactivated my Twitter for the time being. I shall be reactivating it again, but I will be limiting how active I am on there, at least during the month of April so I don’t allow myself to get too distracted from all of the adulting that I need to do. It’ll mostly be used to share blog posts of mine and fellow blogging chums. And cat pictures because I love my cats and their cuteness makes me happy, so I’d like to share that joy.
Desperately seeking an outlet for everything that’s been weighing on me, I decided to write up this post. If y’all have any insight or advice or anything else, you’re welcome to drop them in the comments below. They’d be a big welcome, honestly, as I am feeling quite stuck in the fucking muck between all of things to finagle out. But I also wanted to let y’all know that I’m around and not neglecting the blog on purpose. I’ve just been dealing with the beautiful bullshite known as Life.