Brutally Honest Life Update + Future of the Blog (CW: Discussion of Suicide)

Good afternoon, chums. It’s been a while since I’ve given a life update type of shindig, and so much stuff has happened that I felt it was time to give a fresh one. I have ranted a little bit on Twitter about what life has consisted of, and while I’m going to talk a tiny bit more in detail about it here, I’m going to ask for you to respect the sensitivity of these topics. Please note that there will be discussion of suicide, both attempt of and deaths from, so proceed cautiously.

Many of you probably know of Madame Gabs, whom I’ve spoken of quite affectionately here on BiblioNyan for many years. She was my best friend, and at one point, she was even my partner. Well, she is no longer living with me. I don’t know what happened to cause her to change so drastically with respect to her personality, but she made a few questionable choices and ended up going down a very, very dark path. Unfortunately, that caused a lot of collateral damage that fell upon me and I’m still trying to claw my way out of it. I’m not here to blame her or pin all my troubles on her because a lot of this is stuff I would’ve had to eventually figure out anyway; it just ended up sprouting up much sooner than necessary in the worst ways imaginable.

Long story short, last January Madame Gabs decided that she no longer wanted any kind of friendship or relationship with me at all. I still don’t have an explanation as to why. Days after that, she began to withdraw from me and isolate, and in the process she became someone who lost all sense of compassion and kindness. Over the course of the past year and a half, she has gaslighted me and deceived me in some of the most horrible ways conceivable, including spreading terrible lies about me. Many of those lies twisted the fact that I was recovering from heart surgery into me being a lazy piece of shit who didn’t do anything, which is not the case at all. Open heart surgery and the recovery therein is no fucking joke and to top it off, I had so many complications arise that prolonged the recovery process. It was even discovered that the surgery wasn’t a complete success at all. I am a disabled individual who did the best that they could to support their best friend and only support network given the tools and abilities at my disposal. Being disabled doesn’t make me lazy or weak. It makes me un-able to perform certain duties or activities because I was fucking chronically sick and doing so would’ve killed me.

Initially, I felt extremely guilty and ashamed, like an invalid who had become such a colossal burden on the person they loved the most in this world. But as more and more of her betrayals became apparent, the more I realised that I shouldn’t be feeling worthless and guilty. Madame Gabs was simply not the person that she used to be and that’s not my fault. People change for various reasons, whether it’s good or bad really isn’t my place to judge. While the end result of her actions and decisions ended up having irrevocably devastating consequences, it’s something she’ll need to square away with one day, not me. The best I can do is pick up the pieces and move forward. Unfortunately, the journey to this state of mental being took an extremely tough path.

On December 13th 2021, after having struggled with the psychological and emotional abuse for a long time, I had reached a point where I felt like I was a terrible inconvenience to everyone I knew; that all I did was cause pain and chaos and the world would be better without a burden such as me. I wrote a suicide message and texted it to Gabs (she was working from home at the time and this is where this incident took place), then I consumed enough pain killers to have killed me. I laid down in my bed and waited to die.

During this time, she never checked on me to see if I was alive, or to see if I had in fact made this attempt on my life. No one called the police, nothing. I… I wanted to die, so her not calling the police was a blessing for me in the heat of that awful moment. I ended up spending the entire night vomiting as my body completely expelled all of the pain killers and then everything else I had inside of me. I even vomited blood. Serious symptoms for my heart condition did kick up and I tried to message Gabs about it in the middle of the night, but she completely ignored me. I honestly felt that she was relieved I had tried to commit suicide and ended up being super disappointed that I didn’t die… Her actions and reactions and complete lack of empathy or compassion still makes me feel like this today.

In the morning, I called my doctor and she had me go to the hospital to get some tests done and gave me a recovery plan for my body, which was rather intense. When I woke up that morning before calling the doctor, I understood how miraculous it was that I was alive, and even more so that I came out of that attempt with very little damage to my insides. There was an impact on my cardiac system that is permanent, but I brought it upon myself by doing what I did.

This was the state of my mental and emotional health from over twelve months of being gaslit and abused. People don’t realise it, but gaslighting is a very serious psychological manipulation and it has incredibly fucked-up impacts on their victims… I wish I could say it ended there, but it didn’t.

Three days after that, Gabs had me take her to the tattoo parlour where she got a suicide survivor tattoo for her current girlfriend (a toxic person she met online who is the epitome of a Karen, that had been manipulating her for months, but Gabs had reached a point where she didn’t want anyone’s help or advice at all). That was… probably the biggest Fuck You anyone has ever given to me in my life. In that moment, I knew that my best friend, and even the love of my life, was no longer there. She was gone… and I’d never see her again. The level of disrespect and inconsideration… was phenomenal.

In the weeks following, Gabs decided she wanted to move out to Minnesota to go be with her new girlfriend. She never ever discussed this plan with me, just told me I had to find a full-time job to pay all the bills. Mind you, I was still on recovery from heart surgery complications and now from the aftereffects of my suicide attempt. We never got to discuss the impact this would have on me financially let alone physically and because of that I never got to create a plan to prepare for what this move would entail. Everything just happened rapid fire like a fucking machine fun going off. These following things occurred fairly quickly:

  • I was forced to drop out of my Uni programme because I couldn’t afford to go to school and support myself, which caused me to get blacklisted from my dream programme; it was one of the best programmes on the West coast and being able to attend was… the reason that I fought my heart disease so fucking hard. Plus, I was attending because of a personal invitation offered to me… again, a once in a lifetime opportunity and Gabs knew exactly what was at risk and that this would happen
  • Because I had to get a full-time job, I actually lost access to Medi-Cal which was helping me with treatments and medications. Now I have to pay for health insurance, but if I do that then I won’t make enough to pay rent because insurance plus the cost of my medications is outrageously high. So, I literally have to choose between having a roof over my head or being able to afford medications that help keep me alive. I will not be able to continue with my medications come the end of April…
  • My cousin who was fighting his own battle of severe illness, had a heart attack from shock at the news of everything that happened between me and Gabs, plus my medical situation and it killed him. This is no fucking joke. There was a significant impact that I can’t talk about (for my own mental health) that other people were relying on Gabs for, not just me. She had made some vital promises to loved ones and now that she broke them without remorse or reason, it fucked-up a lot of people.
  • My eldest nephew killed himself after his father died because he couldn’t live with the loss of another parent (him and his brother both lost their parents when they were kids and my cousin had adopted them and raised them).
  • My second nephew (the brother) killed himself a few days ago because he was overwhelmed with guilt and shame at not being able to save his brother nor his father.
  • My bird of 26 years passed away days after Gabs left (this has nothing to do with this situation, but it was just the absolute last fucking thing I needed at this time).

Life has not been easy these past few months since Gabs made the decisions that she did, which ended with her leaving aburptly. I had the displeasure of meeting her girlfriend and I know that Gabs is walking into a very toxic, problematic, and abusive situation (from personal experience) but there is nothing that I can do for her anymore. You just can’t help someone that doesn’t want to  be helped, and that was one hard fucking lesson I had to learn in the aftermath of all this bullshit.

This is why my blogging has been so sporadic and virtually non-existent. I have been trying to get a handle on my mental health after being abused by my most trusted confidante for over a year. What sucks is that I had just started to get my life back after recovering from another abusive relationship years ago, and… it made all of my weaknesses that much more pliable for gaslighting. I have tried really hard to work through my shit as fast as possible so I could gain some semblance of normalcy back, but… I’m a fucking mess, y’all.

I want to get my routine of blogging back because it’ll be a vital pillar of support for me during my mental, emotional, and even physical recovery. However, I couldn’t just come back and pretend like everything was normal; like I wasn’t a changed individual who didn’t have even more scars and bandaged wounds to cart around. I’ve always been honest and upfront with you and I needed to be authentic and upfront here because I am closing a chapter on BiblioNyan that I consider to be Gabs-era and starting a new one that will be post-Gabs. Hell, she was the reason I began blogging to begin with… The tone will definitely be a bit different depending on the topic and I didn’t want that change to come out of nowhere or without explanation. Plus, these experiences shall contribute to future Self-Care Sunday posts, so it’s nice to have a little context.

My goals with BiblioNyan is to keep creating content to the best of my ability that is true to my personality and tastes, which means brutal honesty if I hated something because… why lie? But I also have this goal of using this space to help others. To ensure that people who’ve been in my shoes can recognise and understand their own fabulous self-worth in spite of the bullshite of others, and also to know that no matter how much we love someone (regardless of relationship/bond type), we will never ever truly know them, and life sucks that way but it doesn’t have to destroy us. In addition to lived experiences, there’s amazing comforting media out there to help prepare us or to heal us when the sucky things get even more suckier, and I want to share that with you as much as I can, for as long as I can.

Mental health wise, I have a psychiatrist I speak to twice a week because I’m in such a delicate and fragile place right now. I feel no shame in admitting this. It’s the truth. I don’t trust myself to tackle the residual scum that’s encased my mind and heart alone. I wake up every day and it takes me an hour to literally roll out of bed so I can start my day. I cry every single morning and every night when I think about what and who I’ve lost and how I could nothing to protect and save the one person whom I have loved more than any fucking thing in this world. I have days where I roll out of bed, but just sit by it because I am so heart-broken and melancholy that I don’t have the energy to do anything else. Yeah, I need help and I’m going to take it because I refuse to let the abuse I’ve endured keep me down on the ground.

Abuse did not win before and it will not fucking win now.

As for Gabs, I pray to Boss Man every single day and every single night that she will find her way back to who she is deep, deep down inside. When we are feeling miserable or lost, it’s easy to form a kindred connection with toxic people who validate our negativity and sense of being wronged, dragging us into dark and unsavoury places. I know in my heart that Gabs is not a bad person. I’ve seen the selflessness, the kindness and care, the beauty of her support. That stuff doesn’t just evaporate into thin air. It’s buried somewhere waaay beneath the muck, and insha’Allah, Boss Man will help her find it again; find it and drag it back to the surface. I pray that she will come back home to her family (her actual family is suffering in similar ways as Gabs’ deception did not stop with me) and she can find a way to repair the bridges she has burned. I don’t know if I will ever be able to be her friend again because I can never trust her, but I also don’t wish any ill-will upon her. She’s lost and she’s made stupid fucking choices. We all do that, whether we’re 18 or 38 or 88. It’s growing up and using those dumbass choices to be better that can be the hard part. I will always be here to support her even in silence. She never gave up on me and regardless of all that I’ve endured, I won’t give up on her. It’s silly, but I still love the goddamn Seven Hells out of her.

Anyway, that does it for my update. It became much longer than I anticipated, but I feel lighter. Talking about this has helped me to process and accept the new reality of my life. Aside from blogging and working, I do plan on continuing my journey of writing books. If you would like to support me, please buy my book! It would go a long way towards helping me pay for those medicine thingies that I need in order to keep breathing. Other than that, just keep me in your thoughts and prayers because I need support. I need help. I don’t want to falter again and I know that doing it alone is not the way to go this time.

Until tomorrow, keep reading, keep otakuing, and keep the faith. Much love to you. -Nyan

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26 thoughts on “Brutally Honest Life Update + Future of the Blog (CW: Discussion of Suicide)

  1. Oh Neha I’m so sorry for everything you’ve been going through!

    I wish you weren’t half a world away so that I could give you a hug and we could meet up for a coffee (or tea, ofc,) and just chat. Sending you a digital hug anyway *hugs* <3

    My DMs on Twitter are always open – due to the time difference, and the fact that I try to only check Twitter once a day, I won't answer back straight away, but you can contact me whenever you want about anything you need to talk about, OK? That's a serious offer, don't think it's a burden – I'd rather know I was there when you needed someone. Like I said, don't read anything into late replies though!

    I am so glad you're still here. Keep going – you're amazing <3 <3 <3

    • Thank you so much for saying that. ♥ Honestly, that moment was my biggest moment of weakness but it also taught me invaluable lessons that I will hold on to and use in the future if I ever fall down like that again.

      I appreciate your presence in my life.

      • Nothing about this is weakness – it’s your strength that caused you to send that text, to reach out to another person, even if the recipient did not respond as a fellow human being. The only weakness that night was theirs Neha, not yours.

        Honestly – and I’m not trying to make you feel bad, just trying to let you see it from another angle – if someone else who you loved and/or cared about tried to commit suicide, would you call it weakness? If not, then please, please, *please* try to give yourself the same amount of grace. I know it’s hard.

        You’re amazing. I promise <3

  2. Pingback: Self-Care Sunday: Starting the Week with Spirit 🌸 | BiblioNyan

  3. That’s a lot to go through but one thing I’ve learned by being on both sides of the coin is that we all have to reckon for our actions sooner or later. It’s not about being vengeful but that’s how we learn. Healing or rescuing our abusers is not our task because they have their own journey and each of us has the choice between right and wrong. It’s comforting to read this written in a tone of moving forward, forgiveness, and giving back. Was going to get your book anyway so now I did 🙂 Praying for you. Am sure there will be better days ahead. Life hurts but heals too. Lots of love.

    • This is very true and I’m a big believer of it, as someone who’s had to reckon with their not-smart choices when they were younger. My goal is to get healthy of mind and spirit for myself and then just do the best I can in my life with what’s given to me. As much as I want to stay angry, it won’t do me good, just harm, and it’s not how I want to spend my energy in this life. 🙂 Thank you for being such an awesome friend to me. I appreciate you.

  4. Take care, Neha. You’ve been through a lot in what is, in the grand scheme of things, a short length of time. You’ve continued to claw your way back out of it though, and that is something wonderful. Stay safe.

    • Thank you so much, Matt. Continuing to climb up in spite of the rain and snow, so to speak, has been so hard. But I haven’t regretted it yet. I’ve gotten mad and frustrated and super sad, but I haven’t regretted the choice to keep fighting and I think that’s the most important thing. Thank you for your support. It’s helped me in ways I could never express.

  5. Ohhhhhhh dear. That is A Lot you and Gabs have been through. However, as others say, Gabs is not your responsibility. Hopefully(…?) she is still a responsible adult enough to fish her own butt out of wherever she’s stuck it.

    I don’t think joining Amazon is worth what little valuable content I get out of it, since the pandemic has made shipping quite annoying, but I now have the wherewithal to chip in via different means.

    Please take care of yourself, Neha.

    • No worries on the Amazon thing! I understand it’s not everyone’s cup o’chai. I appreciate your support through the years more than anything else.

      I will always hope and pray for Gabs to find her way, but the focus will be on me getting my life straightened out and back in a healthy order. Thank you. ♥

  6. My deepest condolences, and I really hope that things get better for you. I agree with Fred – Gabs is not your problem to fix. She disrespected you over and over, and you don’t deserve that. I am so glad that you are alive. I wish you the best in everything. P.S. I really like the new cherry blossom theme. It’s so peaceful to look at. It brings feelings of hope. xx

    • Thank you, Rose. I highly regret what I did in the moment of greatest weakness, but it also taught me an invaluable lesson about myself and what it means to live, which I shall always cherish.

      I’m also really lucky to have friends and supporters here, like you and the others. It really does help me to keep going forward.

      Thank you, I’m glad it the new theme does that.

  7. Book has been ordered.

    Hang in there. I’ve been there too. So close to dead it was just a lucky roll of the dice I’m here. You can get past this to something better. Let Gabs take care of herself. Or not. She is not your problem to fix.

  8. Wish I could find better words, but all I can think of to say is that I wish you well as you move forward — physically, emotionally, and financially.

    • Those are really important and meaningful words. I know that financially things will work themselves out, I’m in the process of getting that sorted, it just requires patience. For emotional and physical, that will take time and a lot of self-awareness on my part to stay on top of it,which I will try my hardest to do.

  9. All I can say is that I wish you the best of luck. I wish I could say more, but stuff like this, I’m not sure if I could find the proper words. I’m sorry you had to deal with all this, and I can only hope that you’ll stay safe in whatever path you decide to walk moving forward.

  10. As someone who has been there for everything since it started (the aftermath), I have no empathy for Gabs. When someone you claim to love or at the very least care about, sends you a suicide note, you take it seriously. If you’re in the same house, you run to check on them. You call the cops, the ambulance, something. And you sure as hell don’t rub it in their face by getting a tattoo a few days later honoring someone else. People who care, no matter how lost or whatever they are, won’t do that. Gabs also knew the full breadth of your health and that leaving the way she did and forcing you to do things that your body is just NOT ready for was essentially signing a warrant to worsen your illness or worse. You had a heart attack shortly after you were forced to sacrifice your educational dreams, Neha. Don’t forget that. And that when you told Gabs, she didn’t give a flying shit about it. What did she do? She went out to the bar drinking and having a jolly good time. You were in a coma and did actually die.

    I know you want to believe that there is some good in Gabs somewhere, and even there is, you don’t owe her a fucking thing. You just don’t treat people like that. You don’t. She knows how much you loved her and it made it easy for her to manipulate you, gaslight you, and abuse you. For your mental health, and even your physical health, you need to let her go babe. She made her choices, whatever happens after that, it’s her mess to clean up and deal with. Not yours. You’ve paid more than enough, SO much more than enough for her fucking screw-ups. You said, don’t let abuse win. So don’t let it win.

    • Oh man, the heart attack… That was a week I’ll definitely never forget.

      You have every right to be angry at her as one of my closest friends, and I’ll be honest, I still get very angry and hurt when I think about this stuff (it’s so fresh, I can’t help it), but at the end of day, T, anger isn’t going to make me feel any better and it’s not going to make my situation better either. I usually expel my anger via boxing or angry video gaming (RL2 helps big time), but I can’t hold on to it. It’ll make me resentful and bitter, and if one day she does need help, I won’t be the kind of person who spurns her out of my own pain. I’ll help whomever I can, whenever I can, but I also am very much aware of the psychological damage and will be careful and mindful of that going into any situation. I won’t pay for her screw-ups anymore and I won’t let abuse win, I promise. But I also won’t turn my back on someone who’s fallen down in the dark if/when they reach a hand out to find the light. I appreciate your love and concern though. I’m luck to have a mate like you. ♥

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