Good afternoon, chums. It’s been a while since I’ve given a life update type of shindig, and so much stuff has happened that I felt it was time to give a fresh one. I have ranted a little bit on Twitter about what life has consisted of, and while I’m going to talk a tiny bit more in detail about it here, I’m going to ask for you to respect the sensitivity of these topics. Please note that there will be discussion of suicide, both attempt of and deaths from, so proceed cautiously.
Many of you probably know of Madame Gabs, whom I’ve spoken of quite affectionately here on BiblioNyan for many years. She was my best friend, and at one point, she was even my partner. Well, she is no longer living with me. I don’t know what happened to cause her to change so drastically with respect to her personality, but she made a few questionable choices and ended up going down a very, very dark path. Unfortunately, that caused a lot of collateral damage that fell upon me and I’m still trying to claw my way out of it. I’m not here to blame her or pin all my troubles on her because a lot of this is stuff I would’ve had to eventually figure out anyway; it just ended up sprouting up much sooner than necessary in the worst ways imaginable.
Long story short, last January Madame Gabs decided that she no longer wanted any kind of friendship or relationship with me at all. I still don’t have an explanation as to why. Days after that, she began to withdraw from me and isolate, and in the process she became someone who lost all sense of compassion and kindness. Over the course of the past year and a half, she has gaslighted me and deceived me in some of the most horrible ways conceivable, including spreading terrible lies about me. Many of those lies twisted the fact that I was recovering from heart surgery into me being a lazy piece of shit who didn’t do anything, which is not the case at all. Open heart surgery and the recovery therein is no fucking joke and to top it off, I had so many complications arise that prolonged the recovery process. It was even discovered that the surgery wasn’t a complete success at all. I am a disabled individual who did the best that they could to support their best friend and only support network given the tools and abilities at my disposal. Being disabled doesn’t make me lazy or weak. It makes me un-able to perform certain duties or activities because I was fucking chronically sick and doing so would’ve killed me.
Initially, I felt extremely guilty and ashamed, like an invalid who had become such a colossal burden on the person they loved the most in this world. But as more and more of her betrayals became apparent, the more I realised that I shouldn’t be feeling worthless and guilty. Madame Gabs was simply not the person that she used to be and that’s not my fault. People change for various reasons, whether it’s good or bad really isn’t my place to judge. While the end result of her actions and decisions ended up having irrevocably devastating consequences, it’s something she’ll need to square away with one day, not me. The best I can do is pick up the pieces and move forward. Unfortunately, the journey to this state of mental being took an extremely tough path.
On December 13th 2021, after having struggled with the psychological and emotional abuse for a long time, I had reached a point where I felt like I was a terrible inconvenience to everyone I knew; that all I did was cause pain and chaos and the world would be better without a burden such as me. I wrote a suicide message and texted it to Gabs (she was working from home at the time and this is where this incident took place), then I consumed enough pain killers to have killed me. I laid down in my bed and waited to die.
During this time, she never checked on me to see if I was alive, or to see if I had in fact made this attempt on my life. No one called the police, nothing. I… I wanted to die, so her not calling the police was a blessing for me in the heat of that awful moment. I ended up spending the entire night vomiting as my body completely expelled all of the pain killers and then everything else I had inside of me. I even vomited blood. Serious symptoms for my heart condition did kick up and I tried to message Gabs about it in the middle of the night, but she completely ignored me. I honestly felt that she was relieved I had tried to commit suicide and ended up being super disappointed that I didn’t die… Her actions and reactions and complete lack of empathy or compassion still makes me feel like this today.
In the morning, I called my doctor and she had me go to the hospital to get some tests done and gave me a recovery plan for my body, which was rather intense. When I woke up that morning before calling the doctor, I understood how miraculous it was that I was alive, and even more so that I came out of that attempt with very little damage to my insides. There was an impact on my cardiac system that is permanent, but I brought it upon myself by doing what I did.
This was the state of my mental and emotional health from over twelve months of being gaslit and abused. People don’t realise it, but gaslighting is a very serious psychological manipulation and it has incredibly fucked-up impacts on their victims… I wish I could say it ended there, but it didn’t.
Three days after that, Gabs had me take her to the tattoo parlour where she got a suicide survivor tattoo for her current girlfriend (a toxic person she met online who is the epitome of a Karen, that had been manipulating her for months, but Gabs had reached a point where she didn’t want anyone’s help or advice at all). That was… probably the biggest Fuck You anyone has ever given to me in my life. In that moment, I knew that my best friend, and even the love of my life, was no longer there. She was gone… and I’d never see her again. The level of disrespect and inconsideration… was phenomenal.
In the weeks following, Gabs decided she wanted to move out to Minnesota to go be with her new girlfriend. She never ever discussed this plan with me, just told me I had to find a full-time job to pay all the bills. Mind you, I was still on recovery from heart surgery complications and now from the aftereffects of my suicide attempt. We never got to discuss the impact this would have on me financially let alone physically and because of that I never got to create a plan to prepare for what this move would entail. Everything just happened rapid fire like a fucking machine fun going off. These following things occurred fairly quickly:
- I was forced to drop out of my Uni programme because I couldn’t afford to go to school and support myself, which caused me to get blacklisted from my dream programme; it was one of the best programmes on the West coast and being able to attend was… the reason that I fought my heart disease so fucking hard. Plus, I was attending because of a personal invitation offered to me… again, a once in a lifetime opportunity and Gabs knew exactly what was at risk and that this would happen
- Because I had to get a full-time job, I actually lost access to Medi-Cal which was helping me with treatments and medications. Now I have to pay for health insurance, but if I do that then I won’t make enough to pay rent because insurance plus the cost of my medications is outrageously high. So, I literally have to choose between having a roof over my head or being able to afford medications that help keep me alive. I will not be able to continue with my medications come the end of April…
- My cousin who was fighting his own battle of severe illness, had a heart attack from shock at the news of everything that happened between me and Gabs, plus my medical situation and it killed him. This is no fucking joke. There was a significant impact that I can’t talk about (for my own mental health) that other people were relying on Gabs for, not just me. She had made some vital promises to loved ones and now that she broke them without remorse or reason, it fucked-up a lot of people.
- My eldest nephew killed himself after his father died because he couldn’t live with the loss of another parent (him and his brother both lost their parents when they were kids and my cousin had adopted them and raised them).
- My second nephew (the brother) killed himself a few days ago because he was overwhelmed with guilt and shame at not being able to save his brother nor his father.
- My bird of 26 years passed away days after Gabs left (this has nothing to do with this situation, but it was just the absolute last fucking thing I needed at this time).
Life has not been easy these past few months since Gabs made the decisions that she did, which ended with her leaving aburptly. I had the displeasure of meeting her girlfriend and I know that Gabs is walking into a very toxic, problematic, and abusive situation (from personal experience) but there is nothing that I can do for her anymore. You just can’t help someone that doesn’t want to be helped, and that was one hard fucking lesson I had to learn in the aftermath of all this bullshit.
This is why my blogging has been so sporadic and virtually non-existent. I have been trying to get a handle on my mental health after being abused by my most trusted confidante for over a year. What sucks is that I had just started to get my life back after recovering from another abusive relationship years ago, and… it made all of my weaknesses that much more pliable for gaslighting. I have tried really hard to work through my shit as fast as possible so I could gain some semblance of normalcy back, but… I’m a fucking mess, y’all.
I want to get my routine of blogging back because it’ll be a vital pillar of support for me during my mental, emotional, and even physical recovery. However, I couldn’t just come back and pretend like everything was normal; like I wasn’t a changed individual who didn’t have even more scars and bandaged wounds to cart around. I’ve always been honest and upfront with you and I needed to be authentic and upfront here because I am closing a chapter on BiblioNyan that I consider to be Gabs-era and starting a new one that will be post-Gabs. Hell, she was the reason I began blogging to begin with… The tone will definitely be a bit different depending on the topic and I didn’t want that change to come out of nowhere or without explanation. Plus, these experiences shall contribute to future Self-Care Sunday posts, so it’s nice to have a little context.
My goals with BiblioNyan is to keep creating content to the best of my ability that is true to my personality and tastes, which means brutal honesty if I hated something because… why lie? But I also have this goal of using this space to help others. To ensure that people who’ve been in my shoes can recognise and understand their own fabulous self-worth in spite of the bullshite of others, and also to know that no matter how much we love someone (regardless of relationship/bond type), we will never ever truly know them, and life sucks that way but it doesn’t have to destroy us. In addition to lived experiences, there’s amazing comforting media out there to help prepare us or to heal us when the sucky things get even more suckier, and I want to share that with you as much as I can, for as long as I can.
Mental health wise, I have a psychiatrist I speak to twice a week because I’m in such a delicate and fragile place right now. I feel no shame in admitting this. It’s the truth. I don’t trust myself to tackle the residual scum that’s encased my mind and heart alone. I wake up every day and it takes me an hour to literally roll out of bed so I can start my day. I cry every single morning and every night when I think about what and who I’ve lost and how I could nothing to protect and save the one person whom I have loved more than any fucking thing in this world. I have days where I roll out of bed, but just sit by it because I am so heart-broken and melancholy that I don’t have the energy to do anything else. Yeah, I need help and I’m going to take it because I refuse to let the abuse I’ve endured keep me down on the ground.
Abuse did not win before and it will not fucking win now.
As for Gabs, I pray to Boss Man every single day and every single night that she will find her way back to who she is deep, deep down inside. When we are feeling miserable or lost, it’s easy to form a kindred connection with toxic people who validate our negativity and sense of being wronged, dragging us into dark and unsavoury places. I know in my heart that Gabs is not a bad person. I’ve seen the selflessness, the kindness and care, the beauty of her support. That stuff doesn’t just evaporate into thin air. It’s buried somewhere waaay beneath the muck, and insha’Allah, Boss Man will help her find it again; find it and drag it back to the surface. I pray that she will come back home to her family (her actual family is suffering in similar ways as Gabs’ deception did not stop with me) and she can find a way to repair the bridges she has burned. I don’t know if I will ever be able to be her friend again because I can never trust her, but I also don’t wish any ill-will upon her. She’s lost and she’s made stupid fucking choices. We all do that, whether we’re 18 or 38 or 88. It’s growing up and using those dumbass choices to be better that can be the hard part. I will always be here to support her even in silence. She never gave up on me and regardless of all that I’ve endured, I won’t give up on her. It’s silly, but I still love the goddamn Seven Hells out of her.
Anyway, that does it for my update. It became much longer than I anticipated, but I feel lighter. Talking about this has helped me to process and accept the new reality of my life. Aside from blogging and working, I do plan on continuing my journey of writing books. If you would like to support me, please buy my book! It would go a long way towards helping me pay for those medicine thingies that I need in order to keep breathing. Other than that, just keep me in your thoughts and prayers because I need support. I need help. I don’t want to falter again and I know that doing it alone is not the way to go this time.
Until tomorrow, keep reading, keep otakuing, and keep the faith. Much love to you. -Nyan