A Self-Care Special: How Blogging Helps Treat My Depression

Today, I wanted to chat with you all about a subject that is very near and dear to my heart, but one that I came to appreciate through some hard life lessons. Because it’s such an important topic to me, I will be quite candid and honest, which usually means it’ll be a bitch of a read and there will be vulgarity and possible triggers for discussion of: depressive episodes, suicidal thoughts, self-harm, and grief. I’d also like to mention that I’m not a psychologist or psychiatrist. I’m a person who has their fair share of mental health illnesses and I discuss my experiences—good, bad, and horrendous—with the hopes of helping others out there who may have similar challenges.

Now… let’s continue, shall we?

A few weeks ago I announced in a long letter-style post that I was taking a hiatus from blogging. In that post I discussed newfound feelings of unfulfillment from blogging, mostly due to a lack of conversation being garnered on my discussion posts. I also spoke about fears of people stealing my hard-work for their own shitty gain and fame. I would like to clarify now that the latter part of that post stemmed from a condition I have where my paranoia kicks up during severe bouts of depression, creating a sort of bottleneck that prevents me from seeing a much larger picture of my happiness, passions, or success, etc. as a means to keep me in the lowest depths of said depression. At least that’s the best way to explain it in its simplest form. So, I apologise for that bit dearly.

scratching head

In the days following that announcement, I felt invigorated and utterly refreshed. The almost instantaneous free-time in my schedule from starting that break blew me away. I sat down and finished reading approximately four or five books in the span of two or three days, which is quite a lot for me. I finished watching Inuyasha season three (I was only an episode or two into the season) quickly as well. For a short while there, I felt quite fantastic. However, after the high of that so-called freedom faded away, I was hastily faced with a brand-new realisation: blogging was a major form of treatment for my depression and anxiety.

Going to give some history/background information here.

I started a WordPress blog in 2015 under a different guise and struggled with trying to get established as a book blogger. I dabbled with it here and there. I had just gotten out of an extremely psychologically and emotionally abusive relationship, and I didn’t know if I was going to survive the aftermath. I was very suicidal, returned to my addiction of pain killers, and my self-harming habits had been at their worst. I remember that I had become so anaemic from it that when I got a small cut on my index finger, the bleeding would not stop and eventually I passed out from it. There were other more severe symptoms associated with that incident as well, but that event worked as a bit of a wake-up call.

wake-up call

I knew I needed help, but I couldn’t afford it and I was too scared to admit it. A person that I met at the time, known to many here as either Sir Betrothed or Sir Besty (now that we aren’t romantically involved) came into my life. They were a spiritual counsellor. Even though I wasn’t of the same faith as them—and I would even shamefully admit that I loathed their faith (entirely due to the hatred I had received from this group of people due to my Islamic background)—they made the decision to help me. They suggested that one of the best ways to even get my tippy toes on the ground towards change and moving forward was to get out of my own fucking head.

One of the biggest contributors to my self-harm and desire to kill myself came from ruminating about the ten years I had wasted in a terrible relationship where I was demeaned and dehumanised in the worst ways. I’d think about the sacrifices I had made, every dumbass decision where I felt I was “putting my marriage first,” and all of the people I alienated who were only trying to make me see what my reality was. You don’t realise that you are being abused, most times, until you are out of the situation or environment. Then small titbits of memories that you once found endearing or just a “normal part of relationships/marriages” will play in your mind and you recognise that horror behind it all. The same can be said for conversations with loved ones who see the signs of abuse and try to assist you, but you’re in denial and don’t want to face the harsh truth. Because of that my mind was the most poisonous motherfucker to my existence.

We (Sir Besty and I) shared a passion for reading and our discussions would go from simple to in-depth in a matter of moments. They suggested that because I had a “unique way of looking at the narratives I encounter” and that I like to write, I should try my hand at writing book reviews. They felt that it could help me in many ways. Because of spending ten years being told that I’m a “stupid foreigner” or being treated like a moron, I had no confidence in my intelligence or my capabilities whatsoever. I never viewed myself as an intellectual person, or probably a person at all. I was terrified to admit that I had the potential to be a smart person. Yet, even with all of my reservations, I took them up on their advice and created a blog.

blogging

It was a bit of a hit or miss situation initially. Between dealing with the emotional and mental turmoil of getting a divorce (additionally after you learn that this person is a monster in more ways than you ever could have imagined) and trying to find a new place to live, I didn’t take blogging seriously. It wasn’t until the end of 2016 where I established BiblioNyan specifically that I began to view blogging as something I wanted to pursue wholeheartedly. By this point, I had made some decent progress with my mental health. I was no longer self-hating. I began to understand that I am a very intelligent person but I was never allowed to let myself feel I had these qualities due to another person’s insecurities and shortcomings. Intimidation and manipulation kept me buried under six feet of filthy fear. I knew there were people out there who were far more intelligent than me, but instead of being afraid of them or jealous of them, I started to feel inspired by them. Anyone has the potential to become an “intellectual.” All you need is the desire to learn and the energy to take one step at a time towards educating yourself.

In addition to being more positive about myself inwardly, I stopped the act of self-harming and dedicated myself to staying clean. I quit being an addict around the time I moved out of my ex’s home in November 2015. I am proud to say that I have been narcotics-free and self-harm free for three years now. Even with these changes, my depression wouldn’t get better. The cold truth is that after getting my own place, the mutilation done to me emotionally and psychologically over such a lengthy period of time had done its damage. I became severely agoraphobic (fear of leaving one’s house). My paranoia and anxiety had grown into an intolerable monster no thanks to the PTSD that I had, which been exasperated from the marriage. (I had mild PTSD from being physically abused as a child, but the marriage nearly tripled the intensity of it and its triggers.)

I was desperate to make my life better, to know that there was something—anything—beyond the veil of “victim.” I knew that if I allowed myself to think about the things I had lost/sacrificed with the fact that I didn’t know what the fuck to do with my new uncertain future, I would revert back to being the frightened creature on the verge of death that I was. I encountered YouTube and the Diverse Books movement, which was just starting to kick-off. Those two things shoved my arse into gear and eventually I became a full-time blogger. The progression and evolution of content has increased over time on BiblioNyan as has my weekly contribution towards creating content. In my About Me section, I mention that I blog full-time. That is no joke. Before going on hiatus, I had a schedule dedicated to content creating where I would work anywhere from 12-16 hours per day. When I went on hiatus and pulled the rug on all that work, my life utterly fell apart.

sadness

The holidays are a terrible time for me. Between being reminded of my brother and everything that goes with that loss, the marriage and triggers related to that, as well as a crumbling relationship with my parentals—it’s a buffet for negativity and depressive thoughts. I didn’t consider any of this shit when I announced my hiatus. And it not only bit my arse, but kind of ripped it to shreds. You’re welcome for the image, by the way.

After the high from the break died down (yes, I’m finally returning to the point after a long-winded digression, my apologies), I was a hot fucking mess of the worst calibre. My mind became so heavy with the darkest and most traumatic memories of my life. I relived so many forms of abuse from my ex-husband, plus other atrocities I had experienced prior to getting married. My mind would dance around and around in a waltz of guilt, anguish, and grief as I relived moments of arguing with my mother and getting disowned by my parents. Until finally I hit that bleeding climax to my spiral into hell: thoughts of my brother. I was listening to a song that he played frequently on the piano and I lost it. Unable to resist the temptation, I put the song on repeat and just curled into myself as I sobbed and sobbed. My pillows and blankets were soaked from a kind of mourning that words cannot express the depth of. Then I began to crave pain killers in ways that I hadn’t for three long years. I even experienced some mild withdrawal symptoms that were caused entirely from my emotional state of being. Then the anxiety of my own mortality kicked-in and the paranoia of everyone I love dying one after another before the year’s end decided to join up. Thank you, Mental Illness. Fuck you too.

lagoon fuck u

I was going through the WP reader one evening shortly after that incident and it hit me all of a sudden, like a painful PlayStation controller to the face: blogging helps keep all of the negativity at bay on such a powerful and strong level.  While I may feel a lack of fulfilment via lack of chit-chat, blogging helps fulfil the incredible urge that I have to keep unfathomably occupied. By having a strict working schedule that allows me to exercise my creativity in whatever realms that fits my persona and desires in that moment, by completely encapsulating myself in a bubble of work where my brain has no time to ruminate about stupid, godforsaken bullshite, I help treat my depression.

Some people can argue that this isn’t “treatment” but a form of distraction. I’m going to disagree vehemently. Yes, being a workaholic can be a form of distraction from a person’s baggage or other shite. Nevertheless, the ways that blogging treats my depression and anxiety are numerous, and quite brilliantly helpful.

  • When I don’t have time to think about negative things, I am less likely to be negative about my projects, goals, and other life pursuits.
  • When negative thoughts don’t invade my brain, other parts of my conditions don’t get triggered, such as anxiety and paranoia. This makes it easier for me to do other things, such as leaving my fucking house.
  • Working constantly, especially on an array of projects, helps maintain my ADHD to the point where I can enjoy various things I love without feeling burned out, or feeling like I’m not doing it enough. When my ADHD is maintained, then it keeps me from being scatter-brained and contemplating harmful things, such as traumatic histories, etc.
  • Staying positive and keeping my brain engaged in a creative avenue helps keep me focused and excited about my future and gives me a strong willingness to live.
  • Avoiding negativity doesn’t allow depressive thoughts to take over my mind, which prevents me from staying in bed all day where my physical conditions, such as my sciatica, can get exasperated. It also helps keep strain off my heart, which helps prevent stress-induced heart attacks (not fun, by the way).
  • By being a workaholic, I am teaching myself to maintain fortitude and strength even in the face of great adversity, which in this case is living with depression. It forces me to work through the days where things are very difficult and makes me learn to become more emotionally and mentally stable, which is the most important part of treating depression. Recognising and accepting that it doesn’t have to last forever and it doesn’t have to control my life, or my existence.

determined

Many people who have depression who work on getting it treated when they are able to do so, have something in their lives that helps to keep them grounded and looking towards the light. While I’m not naïve enough to believe that blogging will be my light in this fight for all eternity (although I’m not closed off to the possibility), I do understand that it is something I need right now in this moment. I thought taking a break and walking away was what I needed the most because I have been struggling with bullet number 5 terribly. My low-days are the absolutely fucking worst between the end of October all the way through February. It is when I just want to lay down and give up, but that is not the solution or the proper way to address depression, personally speaking.

Taking the break was very good for me because I don’t think I would have ever truly grasped the profound nature of blogging and as it co-relates to my mental health otherwise. I was seeking fulfilment in some casual means without taking a step back and seeing the much larger picture of how the fulfilment that I truly need is one that goes much, much deeper than I ever thought possible; the one that keeps me sane and safe and unwilling to become a sacrificial fucking goat to my mental health.

So… I would like to return to blogging, if y’all shall have me.

bowing

I know that this year has been a bit uncertain with the sporadic and unannounced (unintentional) breaks that I have taken here and there from January up to this point. I can’t really say much about it other than that I am human and sometimes the only ways to figure tough shite out is to go with the flow of life and discover how you feel in that exact moment. It also requires us to take risks, ill-advised or otherwise, or how else are we ever supposed to grow and bloom into the best parts of who we are? I know that I will always be growing and evolving with whatever fuckery life decides to toss my way. I won’t apologise for that because it is a part of being alive, however, I will apologise for being sporadic and possibly even causing lots of confusion or frustrations as I work on that figuring out bit. I know it can feel callous at times and I’m sincerely sorry for that.

I do want to say that I appreciate your continued and constant support, not only for my blog, for me as a person who has been facing life as it came at me this year. I know it’s not easy, but your kindness, compassion, and words of encouragement really has made a huge difference in my life, especially where my mental health is concerned. When I say that this community is the best damned part of being a blogger, I 100% fucking mean that. I hope that you shall continue to support me on this journey and bear with me if I get lost in the forest of fears along the way.

Thank you.

thank you victor


pink flower banner

Thank you so much for visiting me today. I appreciate the support! Until next time, keep reading and keep otakuing. 🖤


 

39 thoughts on “A Self-Care Special: How Blogging Helps Treat My Depression

  1. Welcome back. It’s great to see how blogging has helped you out, cos it’s helped me too when I was confronting my problems. You really are a brave person for putting all this out there, and I want you to know that I welcome you back to blogging and you have my support.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you so much for your support. It means so much to me. 🙂 It can be quite fascinating to realise how much something can help you, and how important it is for your well-being, once you no longer have it. I feel taking the break was important for me to understand this lesson. Once again, thank you. ♥

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Welcome back, and of course we’re happy to have you! Good luck with getting back into the swing of things.

    I related to a lot of this post. Permit me an exceedingly lengthy comment, if you will, and I’ll attempt to articulate my reasons for doing what I do; while my situation’s not the same as yours, I hope you’ll find my story interesting.

    In the latter half of the first decade of this new millennium, I’d been blogging off and on for a few years. While I was working as a teacher, I penned a few posts about amusing and/or shocking situations I’d encountered in the classroom. I hosted a personal blog on the site for the rather casual electronic dance music collective my teacher training colleague and I dubbed “Angry Jedi”. And I blogged the honeymoon trip to Italy my first wife and I took.

    Many of these posts are now lost to the mists of time and/or the death of various services, but I enjoyed writing them while they existed. However, I didn’t get into blogging “properly” until January of 2010, when I started participating in a Twitter hashtag called #oneaday. The aim was for everyone involved to write something — anything — each and every day as a means of keeping the gears greased. Although that blog is now defunct, you can still find it at https://angryjedi.wordpress.com. It’s an interesting record of a particular period in my life.

    The original founder of the #oneaday tag lasted less than a month. I kept going for 2,541 days. Why? Because, as you describe, it was a means of therapy. 2010 turned out to be probably the worst year I’ve ever experienced; my first wife and I split up, I lost my job and I found myself in the deepest, darkest hole I’d ever been in. And I didn’t know what to do… except write. I wrote about what I was feeling, and sometimes I wrote about completely irrelevant things. Sometimes I wrote factual posts, sometimes I wrote fiction. Everything I wrote felt like it was taking a weight off me, however; everything I wrote helped me feel like I was able to express myself in a way that I typically wasn’t able to when in a face-to-face situation thanks to my Asperger’s and social anxiety.

    As time went on, I eventually had the opportunity to make “something” of my writing. I joined a small-time gaming site and got some experience (and a miniscule amount of pay, but still pay nonetheless) in working under an editor and to deadlines. From there, I was able to build up the existing experience I’d had from some magazine contributions in the late ’90s, and ultimately score a position on a high-profile gaming publication.

    Said publication, unfortunately, folded about a year after I joined, but all hope was not quite lost; the editor of the site kept me in mind for a future secret project he was working on, and eventually recruited me to help me launch it. In the meantime, I was still writing — albeit about things I wasn’t really interested in — and getting paid for it, so I was able to keep food on the table.

    The new project I was recruited for initially seemed to be a dream come true. The intention was to create a gaming website where the individual writers had their own personal “voices” and specialisms; the editor in question was experienced with driving simulations, for example, so he was able to comment with authority on those. By this point in my life (2013-2014 or so) I had firmly established my love of Japanese gaming, and thus this was where my priorities lay.

    And the audience appreciated it. They really loved having a mainstream gaming site where Japanese gaming wasn’t treated as an afterthought at best, a disgusting haven of illegal depravity at the worst. Numerous people reached out to me publicly and privately thanking me for my inclusive posts, and for not taking the “lol, Japan” approach that so many other sites had rather lazily fallen into from about 2010 onwards.

    It wasn’t to last, however. The suits weren’t happy with the site’s ad revenue, so bang went the whole “individuality” thing, with articles instead having to be run past a single editor (not the one who originally recruited me — by this point he’d been kind of shunted into the background) who had strong opinions on what was and wasn’t “appropriate” — and what would and wouldn’t attract those precious clicks for the ad revenue.

    Things came to a head when a freelance reviewer published a review of a Hatsune Miku game for the Vita and PS3, in which he referred to the game as “bringing the creep factor overseas” and the players of the game as “degenerates”. Having worked so hard to build a welcoming place for fans of Japanese games — not to mention the fact that the delightfully wholesome Hatsune Miku of all things most certainly doesn’t deserve such vitriol — this hurt a lot to see. And, in collaboration with a colleague who felt the same way as me (and who is now very much part of the diverse books community, so you may want to follow her if you don’t already — @casskhaw) I stood up and said “no, this isn’t acceptable”.

    I kicked off a weekly column specifically about Japanese games, the first installment of which featured a discussion about the Hatsune Miku review, and which I got into trouble for for “throwing the freelancer under the bus”. I wasn’t about to let the goodwill I’d built up with an underserved community of gaming fans go to waste, however, so I stood my ground, and I continued JPgamer, as the column was known, until I was eventually laid off in 2014. My audience continued to be appreciative, and it felt good having the opportunity to write about the things that were important to me — and sharing that stuff with others.

    I was ultimately laid off from the site on the grounds that they “wanted an all-American staff” (I’m a Brit) but it’s pretty obvious it was actually so I could be shoved out of the way and the overbearing editor could, instead, hire a pair of sycophantic cronies with whom he’d worked in the past. People he could control. People who didn’t have “problematic” opinions.

    Sure enough, shortly after I’d left, one of them published a scathing review of a game from a developer that I had previously been praised by my audience for giving much more of a chance to than other publications. His entire article was spent complaining about the developer, included numerous factual inaccuracies and made it glaringly obvious that he had not engaged with it on anything other than a superficial level — let alone played it to completion.

    I was livid. Not only was this a slap in the face to the audience I’d brought to the site, it also felt like a personal insult. Indeed, this writer still badmouths me behind my back on Twitter, being particularly fond of calling me a “paedophile” for daring to discuss visual novels that feature explicit erotic scenes. The whole thing was enormously demoralising and extremely hurtful.

    MoeGamer, my current site, was initially set up while I was working out my notice period on that site, and I hoped to migrate at least a small proportion of my audience to that site when I left. Sure enough, some followed — and I made a lifelong friend in the process, too — but it was hard not to feel a bit deflated. I still made a point of writing when I could, though but, as a result of a combination of factors, including depression from being unable to score another job and a number of horrible situations in my personal life at the time, I kind of fell out of the habit for a bit.

    In March of 2016, I decided to try and get myself out of my rut. I was still unemployed, but I was trying my best to get a job. In the meantime, I needed something to distract myself. So I relaunched MoeGamer, this time with a firm plan of content in mind. I’d focus the site around features that I called “Cover Games”. Not only would this bring some direction to the site, it’d bring direction to my leisure time as well. The plan was to focus on a single game or series at a time, and write several articles about it — a twist on how the mainstream gaming press writes article after article about “big name” games when people are already sick of hearing about them. I wanted to give the “deep dive” treatment to games that never got this sort of attention.

    It worked better than I anticipated. People were appreciative of what I was writing, and I was REALLY enjoying myself. The pleasure of writing about things I was passionate about — without having to answer to anyone — was liberating and freeing; I felt I’d finally found something that was uniquely “me”. And, although my emotions were still in dark places and I was still riddled with anxiety — such things never truly go away — I started to feel better and better; more and more confident.

    As time went on, I gradually expanded from one in-depth article a week to something every few days, then every weekday, and now here we are, where I’m putting out several videos a week, recording a regular(ish) podcast with that lifelong friend I made from the JPgamer comments and writing articles every day. I’m more proud of the work I’ve produced on MoeGamer than anything I’ve done for a big commercial site, because it’s all mine and it came from the heart, rather than to meet some sort of arbitrary quota.

    It’s not an exaggeration to say that it helped bring my life some meaning again after half a decade of hard knocks, and I wouldn’t change it for anything.

    My site may be a fraction of the size of those big commercial sites I used to work on, and I may still get some grief from certain quarters for the stuff I cover… but I’m much happier than I’ve been for a long time. And I have the act of writing to thank for that, more than anything else.

    Liked by 4 people

    • Thank you so much for taking the time to share your experiences with me! I feel quite touched, and honestly, your experiences really highlights how people can find comfort in things that most others (and occasionally even those who are struggling) would never have dreamt possible. I never expected blogging to be so therapeutic for me, and to help me heal and grow so much as a person. Writing has always been a comfort to me, though in hindsight. I would write poetry specifically as a way of expunging my mind and body of negativity, but I think living in an abusive household sort of snuffed out my passion for it for a very, very long time. After starting the Self-Care series of posts, that’s when I realised that the relief of getting things off my chest in a way to help others could be so refreshing and beneficial to my health. That then led to me appreciating the various other sorts of posts I write.

      I admire you so much for sticking to your beliefs and not conforming to things that aren’t true to who you are as a person. I’ve seen people who have succumbed to the stresses and pressures of those who don’t agree with or believe in their work due to fear of being ostracised or worse. It’s never an easy feat to stick to what you believe in, particularly when it seems like there is so much out there that wants to keep it down, like the inherently negative and offensive stigmas surrounding Japanese video games and animation. Your blog is one of my very favourites for Japanese games. Not only have I learned about so many titles that I never would have otherwise found, it’s also brought me so much comfort with nostalgia when you talk about older games, and it makes me feel inspired to see you speak so passionately, and respectfully, about the Japanese gaming industry. The “lol, Japan” mindset and attitude that lots of people take, not just on games, but even their entertainment industry and cultural aspects, really makes me uncomfortable and even angry sometimes. I’ve had people speak of Indian or Polynesians with a similar mindset, usually where culture and history are concerned, and it’s always so offensive and close-minded to me.

      I’m very glad to hear that things have gotten better for you and that you have found a home with Moe Gamer. It’s one of the finest blogs I’ve come across and, while I may not comment often, I love reading all of your posts eagerly. Wishing you all the best with your passions and endeavours, my friend. Thanks again so much for your comment and for your continued support. ♥

      Liked by 3 people

  3. Of course we’ll have your back 😁. Why wouldn’t we?

    I teared up a lot reading this because I felt my heart break multiple times reading this. You’re such a brave, kind, and intelligent person.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Thank you so much, Scott. 🙂 I think I was nervous about sharing this because I know that my blogging has gone through quite a cycle this year, especially where breaks were concerned. I was afraid of how off-putting it’d be for some folks. Your support is deeply appreciated, my friend. ♥

      Liked by 2 people

  4. Happy to see you back, friend! 🌸 You know your needs the best at different stages, and it’s amazing to see you venture out to take action for self-care time after time, as proven by your heartfelt posts!

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I’m glad you’ve decided to come back. As someone who gets to be around you outside of this blog, I’m privy to the struggles you’ve faced as to why you stepped away and struggling with come back. The choice to come back and doing so for your own health is an important one, and one I fully encourage. You deserve to be able to do what you do without fear and frustration, even more so when it gives you something that is helpful to your own well being. Please continue to bring awesome thought provoking articles to us as often as you deem needed, and know I’ve always got your back!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you so much for your constant support, on and off the internet shenanigans. ALSO THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR MY MURAKAMI BOOK OHMYGOD I’M STILL SHOOK AS FUCK. But yesh, haha. I doubt I would have made any growth at all if not for you. :*

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Moderation in all things is important. Even as you focus on blogging, try to find something else you love to do. I could easily lock myself in a room and live for blogging but you should always be trying to find other things to love. That way, if blogging should fail you for a bit, you have a spare string for your bow. Diversity of interests can be your friend.

    I have blogged about the Secret to Happiness. Sometimes all it takes is to kick back and listen to some Louis Armstrong.

    https://aunatural.org/2017/11/13/the-secret-to-happiness/

    Liked by 3 people

  7. We’re all here for you and I’m personally glad to see you return. Hopefully blogging does help in some small way though mental health is something that every person needs to address in their own way with what works for them. It was heart breaking reading your story and I hope things get better for you.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you so much, Karandi. Things are definitely much better and I strongly believe their on an income towards positive progress. 🙂🙂 I’m sincerely grateful for your support. Thank you. 💙

      Liked by 1 person

  8. First, I’d like to envelop you in a big hug. Been there, done that. I have complex PTSD as a result of severe and continued abuse first from my family and then from my first husband. I have been there and when I was there, blogging wasn’t a thing. But I did write and write and write in volumes of personal journals. And I know it helped. Another thing I admittedly did, was work obsessively. It was not unusual for me to have 3 jobs and be doing odd jobs on my off hours. Seriously. Because when I’m working and busy, my brain almost never goes off to play recordings of the bad things obsessively. (I have to be a bit careful about mindlessly repetitive work…) It took a good many years, and marriage to a truly good human being who finally complained that he never saw me because I worked all the time to get me here. He got me to quit working 3 jobs over 20 years or so all the way down to working from home which is when I started blogging, writing and doing freelance writing and artwork. And yeah, a lot of my stuff was actually stolen and yeah, it triggered me in a huge way. I’m still getting over that and looking for a healthy way to handle it while still creating and sharing my creations. Meanwhile, life kicked my ass good a few times one way and another. One really hard thing I’ve learned is that between my mental illness and my husbands physical illness I can’t possibly work a “real job” outside the home because I can never be sure that I can fulfill my obligations no matter how flexible the schedule may be. And his care comes first. And then I do have days when no one should have to deal with me. So I’ve had to wrap myself around the idea that I am retired, that my first obligation is to my husband’s care so that’s my real “job” now. And that means that sure I still write, I still draw but I do what I can when I can with what I’ve got. That’s my new mantra. I do what I can when I can with what I’ve got. And the nice thing about a blog is that you don’t have a boss (other than yourself) screaming that you are scheduled to do three posts a week of at least 3000 words each or any other such obligation. Sure, we’d love to hear from you every day whether it’s an in depth review or just an update on your life, but real life doesn’t allow that and real life with mental illness is like real life with any illness. There are just some days you need to spend dealing with that illness or other real life issues. I guess what I’m trying to say is – glad you’re back. Look forward to your posts. No obligation. But we would like to know you’re doing okay. And btw, if you ever want someone to talk to who has been in a kind of similar situation, I’m here. Blessedbe

    Liked by 2 people

    • I’m very much in the same boat with not being able to have a traditional job. My physical health and mental illnesses make it very impossible. I was feeling better earlier this year and tried my hand at working a local bookstore, but my first week the anxiety attacks from being public were so severe it ended up not working out at all. Luckily I have a life partner who’s been taking care of me and honestly without them I don’t know how I would manage. I have so much respect for you and your husband. That kind of support is not easy, but more manageable with support. I love your mantra and it’s something I’ve been learning quite a bit the past few weeks. Doing what you can with what you’ve got does have it’s frustrating moments, but it also has positivity in it that makes life less daunting.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. WELCOME BACK! I’m happy to see your posts popping into my reader again. It breaks my heart every time I hear your story of everything you have been through. I’m so happy that blogging is something that can be of help to you and your mental health. Blogging has been a wonderful boost for me as well so I know where you’re coming from. Remember to do what you love, take time for yourself and I’ll always be a shoulder to lean on if you need anything 💜

    Liked by 2 people

  10. I just recently had the pleasure of discovering your blog, and unfortunately the horror of it being at the precise time when the hiatus post went up. One person here, at least, is quite happy the flow of content will continue from your screen to mine.

    Besides that, ditto on everything you said. Your writing is poignant, precise, and remarkably honest. There was more than one truth here that left me ruminating on my own experiences. Thank you for sharing.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you so much! ♥ It kind of blew my mind when I started writing blog posts and scheduling articles again because that shift in my emotional and mental demeanour was almost literally like a switch being flipped from negative and overwhelmed with anxiety to comfort, focused, and an alleviation of pain. I have definitely learned not to take things for granted, especially things that may *seem* like they aren’t having a big positive impact. As long as they’re not having a negative impact. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  11. Welcome back! I’m a bit late, but glad you’re returning!

    I really admire you for sharing your story with us and appreciate it. ❤ Not much else to say but I'm going to work on making better comments!

    Liked by 2 people

  12. Pingback: Self-Care Sunday #13: Finding Comfort from Grief & Loneliness via Comfort Foods | BiblioNyan

  13. Pingback: December’s Blogsphere Highlights #2! (2018) | BiblioNyan

  14. I don’t get out much so I can relate to how helpful it is to have blogging around. The occasional comment, conversations on Twitter, etc… all that helps a good deal. Thanks for sharing this one 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Pingback: Jon’s Creator Showcase – Anniversary Edition – Jon Spencer Reviews

  16. Pingback: Living With Apathy – A Life Update (2019) | BiblioNyan

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s